Emerging Anorexia
by NemeaSunday
Summary: Just a story of Bella and her Anorexia. Edward and his grief over her illness and how everyone copes. Hope you like it.
1. Chapter 1

Songs for this chapter –

Teddy Picker - Artic Monkeys

Music sounds better with you – Daft punk & Stardust

My Delirium - Ladyhawke

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Chapter 1

BPOV

I wasn't fat. I knew that. But that morning I just simply couldn't eat anything. Edward had only just left me and I'd see him at school soon, he wouldn't no if I skipped a meal. So that's what I did. I was in control of my body and Edward had so much control with humans so why couldn't I with food?

Edward's Volvo was outside I slid in holding my bag pack tightly. These days its contents wasn't exactly something he knew of or approved of. I had resulted to smoking, nobody knew this of course because if anyone did know it would be simple for him to read his or her mind and find the truth. Alongside the pack of cigarettes was some baking soda. It was supposed to make sick come up easier.

'Morning Bella,' he grinned at me.

'Morning.'

He looked at me quite confused and uttered 'Bella…'

'Yes?'

'Last night… you mentioned something that unsettled me a little.'

My stomach lurched, this time not from hunger. What had I said? I tried to focus on my dreams the night before but I couldn't remember.

'It's idiotic of me really because I know you wouldn't intentionally hide something from me. I'm just curious to what your dream was about. You said ''Edward mustn't find out.''

'I don't remember,' I said quickly.

'Alright then well, we have Biology first period and they're dissecting some animal arteries, I'm going to have to skip… not that I'm encouraging to do the same but we could go up to our meadow if you'd like?'

'I think I best go to Biology, Jessica and everyone might trip up and tell Sir that I'm with you.' I lied.

My only intentions were that I would skip Biology in which case I would smoke without anyone noticing.

'That's a good idea,' he said and kissed me upon the forehead.

We met Alice on the way into the building. She was my best friend. I wished I could talk to her but she wouldn't understand. She never even ate. How lonely I suddenly felt, even the cold touch of Edward's hold around my waist didn't seem to cure it.

'Are you ok Bella?' Alice frowned, 'Aren't you interested in Matthew Williamson's latest?'

'Uhm… yeah I am, go on.'

'No you're not. Who is Matthew Williamson?'

I thought for a bit and Edward chuckled gripping me a little closer.

'He's a British designer.' she sighed.

I noticed that Jessica and Angela were already huddled up in Biology. Alice wasn't in my Biology class so she hurried off in a huff. Edward was about to part ways with me. So he bent down and kissed me full on the lips, in the view of everyone. Usually I'd be overjoyed to have everyone witness this but this time I was kind of… embarrassed.

'You're ashamed of me?' Edward asked hurt.

'No. That it isn't it.'

'What is it then?'

I was fully aware that the animal inner body parts were already in the classroom but Edward didn't move he stared square into my eyes, waiting for an answer. I could tell he was irritated that he could smell fresh open blood but wanted to no how I would reply.

'It's just you mustn't care for me all that much.' I said very quietly and I knew he would be the only one to hear with his vampire hearing. 'The only time you come near me is to kiss me, never anything more.'

He froze. He looked startled but I'd thrown this argument at him many times. His reaction was unreadable and his perfect features were solemn and silent.

'We'll discuss this later, make sure you don't get too close. I don't want you to feint again. If you need me just call for me, I'll only be the parking lot… or I'll just listen to Angela to check up on you –.'

'No,' I interrupted indignantly 'you know I hate it when you tab me.'

I didn't mind Edward spying on me most the time. But if he kept a tab on Angela he would no that I wasn't there and would instantly be alerted to come search for me.

My stomach grumbled and I saw him raise an eyebrow.

'You're hungry? I'll get you some lunch then.'

'No. I'm not, honestly Edward.'

I decided that he would not believe me so I then proceeded to say 'Ok pizza will be good,' thinking that I would just nibble at it so he wouldn't ask any other questions.

'Bye Bella,' he said not kissing me purposefully.

I waited for him to go off in the distance. I quickly recited to Jessica that I couldn't stomach this lesson and was going to skip class so that she could cover for me. It was to easy I thought and hurried to the toilets to endure my cigarette in peace.

When I had done I threw it into the trash and sprayed some perfume to mask the scent of it. I patted water over my neck and rinsed my mouth so Edward would not notice a change in taste.

Now all I had to do was past the test of eating at lunch. I knew it was going to be hard. But I just had to make myself physically attractively so he could love me in that way to. I envied Rosalie at this moment that had Emmett in her lustful spell. How I wish I could have Edward in the same way. His naked silhouette shining in the darkness and embracing me.

I was seated with Edward as usual at lunch. He spotted me from a distance and I managed to give a small smile, I did not want him to suspect I was dying in the inside. I didn't want him to feel pain like I did. As he approached closer my human eyes realised his face was harsh and he did not return the affectionate smile.

'Bella!' he said through his gritted teeth, 'Where have you been? You had me near death! Why weren't you in Biology?'

'You've been spying on me!' I blurted out and it came out as more of a shout. Everybody seemed to of tuned into our conversation. Although the Cullen's were trying to look away.

Edward noticed too and grabbed me by the wrist into the outside so we were alone.

'Answer me, Bella! What was so important? Jessica seems to think you told her to cover for you! Why?'

'Let go, Edward!' I struggled for a moment but he obeyed and let go.

'Well?'

What would I tell Edward? I loved him so much I didn't want to lie. Deeply I was thankful that I wasn't in the cafeteria. Away from the scent of the delicious aroma and it looked like he had forgotten I was hungry.

'I realised you were right that I would probably feint so I just left,' I said simply.

'And why did you not call me?'

'And why did you keep an eye on me? I'm perfectly fine.'

'You're not Bella! Danger always finds you. I only checked towards the end of lesson, just to make sure you were safe Bella. Why are you so defensive?'

'I-I'm not,' I said beginning to cry.

'Oh, Bella, love, don't cry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spied on you. I just love you too much to allow you to be in trouble.'

I sniffed and hugged him tightly. If only he knew what I'd do for him.

I'd agreed to stay round Edward's that night. I tipped Charlie off and took the usual toothbrush and old sweats. I hid the pack off cigarettes in my bookshelf knowing that I wouldn't be able to enjoy one tonight.

'Make sure you and Edward are in separate rooms,' he warned.

'Course, I'm staying with Alice.'

This was partly true. I would probably spend some time with Alice.

Edward drove me to the Cullen household. In the meanwhile he questioned me.

'What do you want for dinner, I've still got the pizza but it's gone cold. I could make you something or I could get you a take out?'

'I already ate.'

'Ok, that's fine.' He then flared his nostril, 'You smell different.'

I was stunned. He'd noticed? I shuddered no he would feel less attraction with me smelling of smoke… I'd done so hard to cover it up yet again he did have the nose of a bloodhound.

'Are you wearing a new perfume?' he inquired.

'Yes,' I said relieved.

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

That night I was cooped up in Edward's arms. We were lying on his bed. Of course Edward did not sleep but he had one for my purposes.

'You said we'd talk about _it_ later,' I remembered hopefully.

'Hmm. Yes Bella. I'm sorry you feel that way. But you know that we can't do anything like that. You're so tender and delicate, my kisses to you are just as meaningful.'

'You mean you just don't want to have sex with me,' I trilled taken aback my confrontation and he to was surprised.

He sat up and looked down at me curled into a tight ball. 'Bella, you're a hormonal wreck. Of course I do, but I would rather you live so I can love you rather than you die in the process of making love to you.'

'Liar.'

'Don't be this way,' he pleaded.

He lent in to kiss me but I jerked away. I was disgusting, I wasn't worthy of his kisses and I turned into the pillows to have a silent sob. I didn't understand how I had come to be here, in my loving Edward's home. It was too good to be true. I was just a plain teenage girl with nothing spectacular to my name. I had no interesting aspects of me and nothing about me was good enough for Edward. He slung an arm around me trying to sooth the tears from my strained face and something told me he anticipated me to break down in this way for he extracted a large box of tissues. Vampires had no use for tissues, they neither cried nor got regular human colds. Alice would have told him of my sadness.

Alice. She was a big problem for me. I loved her most dearly but her viewing the future was not as useful as I used to think it was. I was terrified that Alice would see my future and know of my unusual eating habits despite the excuses had conjured from my head. Things like I had a cold or experiencing period pain would suffice I thought. But all the same if she saw something significant like me smoking then a segment of my sordid tale would be revealed and I did not want one part of it unfolded.

'There there, I don't know what has got into you, you know you can tell me anything, don't you Bella?' Edward whispered softly into my ear so that it contracted to the familiar sound of his desolate tones.

I lay very still. _No_, I thought, _I can't tell you everything._ I decided not to answer and he took the cue to flick my hair into his rhythmical fingers. After I tensed up some more when I could feel him breathing me in he got up and left the room. I had not expected it but whether it was here or not I still felt alone in this wondrous world and I just had to deal with it. Forever.

From the aching pit of my stomach I did not search for Edward instead I frantically searched for the toothpaste like a mad woman. I had to find it. _I had to. _Just the mint in my mouth would encourage me to get on with it, to try and stay in touch with it all for just one more day. I back forwarded to the last time I ate. I hadn't eaten yesterday and the day before I had eaten some chips in front of Edward so he would not grow suspicious but now I was giving into temptation. The tears that had stained my cheeks once more today were merely those of misery that I could not eat. For if I ate I would be ugly. Ugly and bulgy. Unwanted and even more alone.

Exhausted from lack of energy I collapsed back on the bed with defeat. I chewed at my cheek and curled up into a tight ball, I wanted to cry out for Edward but why would he return? I heard the cracking of the door and my heart leapt thinking of my Edward returning to me so I could apologise. He was all I had.

It was Alice. Her spiked hair perfectly snug under an elaborate headband embroidered in white lace and glistening ruby coloured gems that I guessed were the real crystal from the reflection off the very dim light. Her small frame hopping to my side with an instant flicker of my eyelids. She was oddly smiling at me in an all knowing way and her pyjamas creasing onto the folds of the duvet after gently crossing her legs to not stir me from my positioning.

'Bella?' She sighed nestling beside me. 'Edward's just gone so that I could talk to you. He seems to think that I being female I can relate to you more. I can understand why though boys will be boys…'

I hardly thought the saying 'boys will be boys' applied to Edward. He wasn't just some ordinary teenage kid with the knowledge of a brain cell and a half. He was intelligent, caring, loving and protective and most importantly I was in love with him.

'He doesn't love me.' I said stupidly knowing this was far from the truth.

'You know he does. You're just to god damn irresistible to him. He really wants to but he isn't strong enough to hold that much control as yet. Just bare with him.' Alice said and cuddling me tightly as she could, making sure she didn't apply too much pressure as to hurt me.

Food had most definitely become the source of anything that I thought of. It angered me that I had so much lack of control that I thought about it constantly. Nightly. Daily. So much so that I could not sleep without my dreams tormenting me into temptation. Even when I lay here with Alice while she muttered on about how much Edward loved me I could not focus, it signified the thing I dreaded the most.

This - this _obsession_ was something I put above Edward and I could not bear it. I did not what this to happen. I had not chosen. _It _had chose me and I was like an escaped prisoner still lost in the garden of a thief, still jumping the hurdles to freedom.

'There's something else, Bella.' Alice said suddenly. The sad vocals she used alerted me and I looked at her, sitting up.

'What? What is it?' I said urgently. She looked truly worried. Her eyes jerking around the room with uncertainty and her upper lip firmly fixed over her bottom.

'Well, Jasper… he doesn't really understand actually, but he's getting a lot of odd signalling off you. He finds it hard to be in a room with you as it is but now… he can't do it at all, he's always estranged when he's around you. He finds it difficult to explain but he says your emotions are so strong and deep that he significantly can't – can't function well.' She said slowly.

'I don't understand, Alice. How can Jasper suddenly be so pained because of my emotions? I haven't changed in the slightest.' I replied.

I was shivering by now. Whether from cold or from fright, I did not know. Jasper had detected something abnormal about me. I was mortified. I looked into Alice's golden eyes and she was intently glaring back in a sisterly way.

'I know, I told Jazz. It's just you getting stressed over this stuff with Edward. And your bound to be on edge with Renee going on holiday to Cyprus for a good few months. I know you miss her, but he seems to think there's something more.' She said apologetically.

Yes, Renee had jetted off to Europe with Phil. She had asked if I wanted to go but I couldn't leave Edward – or Charlie – for that matter. He would be hopeless without me. He'd never learn how to cook.

The cooking was something I had managed to master. I made dinner for two each day. At first it was hard not being able to nibble at the ingredients but now it was second nature for me because every time I did eat, I would punish myself. Fifty sit ups for every bite that I disallowed. My motto was drilled into my head. _Don't live to eat. Eat to live._ Then when it came to fooling Charlie that I was eating, it was easier than expected. I'd simply cut up my food and put each grossing calorie filled mouthful to hover near my lips and then put it down and rapidly discussing my day to distract it. Sometimes I'd even smear a little sauce around my lips for an added extra effect. Lastly I'd jump up and put it all in the bin before Charlie could object.

Other days when I thought I was particularly vulnerable to eating, I'd make dinner way before Charlie's arrival and get out a clean plate and smother bits of vegetable and meat scrapings with tomato ketchup on the outskirts and leave it on the side of the sink so it appeared I ate. My artwork open the plate was enough to convince Charlie that I was steal eating.

'Well anyway,' Alice continued 'even Dame Vivienne Westwood can get things completely wrong sometimes and she's the Queen.'

I drowsily frowned 'I thought Elizabeth Windsor was the Queen.'

Alice rolled her eyes at me jokily and put a small hand to her hip 'I didn't mean the literal Queen! You know what people were saying about her Westwood campaign in Vogue, it was just awful! Even though she could of invented clothes the way she styles!'

There she went in her Fashion Speak mode. I nodded along when needed. I was so envious of people who had style. They had such pretty faces and wonderful figures. Those models on the runway, they intimidated me a little. Strikingly tall and gaunt facial bones. They were so beautiful and I was just a slummed teenage girl. It was so weird for a little Alice to see them as her role models and despite the height difference she managed to pull of their clothes. I couldn't though. I wasn't good enough and no matter how many times Alice bought me clothes, I still looked the same. Recently since my eating habits developed I'd refused for her to dress me and I could tell she was upset at this.

Edward arrived much to my happiness. He was so gorgeous standing besides the bed and stroking my cheek. He abruptly turned to Alice and nodded. I could tell that they were having a mental conversation. No doubt about me.

'You two should come downstairs, Emmett is trying to become psychic.' She snickered.

I smiled to try join into their laughter. I got up hazily but got dragged down by a dizzy spell. Edward quickly came to my aid and I may blur vision came back into the clearing.

'Bella?' he smiled 'So clumsy.'

I was sure I did not misinterpret his words. He sounded quite astonished I had fallen. I knew why I had fallen. It was my body adapting to the amount of nutrients I was absorbing.

I held on to him. I silently looked up to him and held him ever so close. All because I loved him. I was doing it for him.

_Toothpaste_, the voice in my head muttered.

From this moment, I vowed, Edward came first. Not this life that I was leading. But it didn't stop me looking wishfully at the windowsill for the toothpaste I craved so badly.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** – So yes. This is it. Chapter three of my first fan fiction. Thanks to all of those who have reviewed. Please keep them coming in! It is very welcoming knowing that someone likes read it.

Chapter 3

I didn't really feel well that morning. My bones were aching and the feeling of bruising was swelling across my stomach. I hoped that this would be my third day of no food consummation but my weakness was unbearable. I kept my smiles wide though; I needed everyone to see that I was fine. I was _fine_ but even I knew of how protective the Cullen's were. In fact everyone was so possessive of me.

I was in the company of Alice; she was painting my nails at human speed. It was much to her delight that I had allowed this and she had insisted that this was girls' time only. I had objected at first saying it wouldn't be fair on Rosalie if we didn't include her but I was completely lost for ideas when she said that Rosalie was away with Emmett hunting. I had intended to leave before Edward would ask if I wanted breakfast but the question I dreaded had yet been asked. I was anticipating it as much as the day would turn to night.

I was dreading it so much that it was exhausting to think of what I'd say in return and their reactions when I'd tell them I couldn't do it, that I couldn't eat. It was the truth, I couldn't eat. It was vermin to me, piled beastly on top of each other trying to deduct me to those mere human ways where I had to be complied with food. Those four letters wrung in my ears. F. O. O. D. And I couldn't escape it. They were dancing around in the crown of my forehead, blaring their control out of me. I vigorously shook my head as if to unload all the voices from my ears. At the time I would of said a gentle movement of my head but by the look of suspicion on Alice's pretty face, I knew she was questioning what exactly I was doing.

'Are you all right, Bella? You seem a little off this morning. Didn't you get enough sleep?' she asked.

My stomach had been under strict behaviour procedure in the Cullen house, a small growl from it would be enough for any of the Cullen's to hear for a mile. So I'd squeezed it in permitting just ordinary gurgles but I forbade myself to launch into a grumbling noise. It was hard but an 'upset stomach' was my exit pass for anything more than that. It allowed me to restrain myself, work harder and lose more weight.

I knew of my target, the way to get thin. I would not eat. I wasn't going to starve, no because I did eat. I ate when I needed to and that was all I needed to keep me going. Not what those obese idiots eat like, meal after meal after meal. Could they not see how hideous they looked, how revolting they were to the rest of the world?

My feeble attempts to keep in the sounds of my stomach were demolished when I loud rumbling sound was made. It showed my sign of my weakness, I was slipping away and slowly, and bit-by-bit I would become a tyrant in the own remains of my body.

Alice looked sharply at me after finishing the last coat of the red nail polish that had been labelled 'sexy scarlet' on the packaging. Her head hung to the side and I smiled apologetically.

'I hate myself Alice, I can't ever be a normal girlfriend.' I sighed for what felt like the millionth time today but I was trying to cover the question and the aggravating noises that my body was making, although I stood no chance with Alice's hearing.

I stared blankly at Alice. I could tell my face was blotchy and ugly. Although that wasn't anything new. She grimaced to show her understanding of the subject. Even Alice knew that I wasn't like any normal girlfriend, she never denied it. I had once thought Edward and I were matched for life but now I look back and understand how much I was kidding myself into thinking that. There couldn't be two more mismatched people in the entire comniverse.

'I'll get Edward to make you some food.' I saw her strain the thought before I could answer.

I would have to eat. Something told me that this was good. That I was extremely hungry and I deserved a break after my two day fast. Something else told me. _No. Don't do it, you fat fuck, how the hell do you think you deserve it, you deserve to die! You ugly girl! You eat and it's over for you, Edward will hate you. You under deserving fat girl._

I would eat. I sat silently. I couldn't let my act die down, for Alice would be alerted immediately. I grunted in return. If I tried to deny breakfast, it would raise people's inkling that I wasn't the same exact replica of the old Bella.

Alice had now begun turning my hair into something that I liked to refer as the bridesmaid look, it was way to extravagant for me, twisting into a knot at the top and the odd use of the curling irons. The slight burning on my scalp meant nothing to me, it pained a lot less than the obstacle I was about to face. The challenge was impossible, I wouldn't be able to resist. There was absolutely no question about it.

When Edward arrived with a tray of eggs, my stomach groaned longingly.

I knew I would give in. That I had no control over what I ate and that I would pig out and become fat with every spoonful. I tried ever so dearly to say in control but Edward's supple lips curled at one corner into his beautiful crooked smile. My heart would of melted if possible but I was aware in my significant drop of temperature during my no eating days. Even so I felt obliged to reach out for the steel cutlery and in front of me was the beast of a breakfast. Not even the strongest of people could turn away from the glorious golden sheen that belonged to Edward's cooking standard.

At first I fiddled with it and Edward looked down suspiciously. I thought of all the images I hated the most, a spot being burst and the stomach lurching smell of sewers but I knew it had not work and that before I could stop myself I was chomping away. My day's hard work vanished. The lingering taste of eggs felt like a devilish ecstasy. It was smoothing out under my molars and my tongue finally fulfilling its purpose of taste was ecstatically moving around my mouth and the next bite was bigger than the first and my fists clenched around my knife and fork. I repeatedly swallowed, forgetting the stares being exhibited by Alice and Edward, utterly amazed at the speedy way I consumed the food. It tasted like forbidden food because I knew it was wrong. I knew so rightly how wrong it was. But I couldn't stop, not now.

'Lets go shopping, Bella! I need a whole new wardrobe! You can come if you _really_ want, a guy can never have to many outfits.' Alice said excitedly.

'Alice,' Edward said sternly 'You're going more overboard more recently, I already received a parcel of ten pairs of trousers, what feels like a million jumpers and t-shirts and an army of shoes and the same exact design but in different colours!'

'Fine. But Bella you want to go, don't you?' Alice interjected. Her wide eyes pleading at me.

The food that was all stuffed memy mouth allowed me the excuse not to answer Alice with words. I shook my head. I couldn't face being in public with all eyes watching me. It was the last think I wanted.

She sighed a little before turning her back with a few goodbyes and an attempt at more persuasion, it didn't work though Edward and I together were like rock and Alice was like the paper in Ching Chang Chong. She promised that she would return with plenty of items for the both of us much to my dismay.

I carried on illicitly munching at the remains. My lips touching the warm food and I loved it.

'Slow down Bella, chew.' Edward suggested, sitting in one of Alice's distinguishing velvet armchairs.

Oh God, how I must look to my love. A food hungered idiot. How I lowered myself to this stage, I could not fully understand, my eating the eggs had happened in seconds but to me it was a years worth of pleasure. It crushed me knowing that I enjoyed it.

'It taste really good.' I warbled through a mouthful 'what's different about it? What new ingredient did you use?'

'There's no new ingredient. It's exactly the same as usual, Bella.' Edward said and I could tell that he was attempting to look into my eyes. To find the missing part of me but I diverted this and his touch but moving over suddenly.

A rush of guilt fled over me. I hadn't brought my baking soda pot with me. But there was still a chance that I could still get it out of my system. Yes, I would not have it in me. I could get it out. I would get it out.

'Full. Thank you.' I said pushing the tray away.

'I trust Alice has sympathised with you a little after last night.' He started.

'Human moment. Sorry, hold on Edward.' I lied. I knew what my mission was to be. I would be sure to comply with the small snaking voice in my head _egging _me on.

I dashed to the bathroom and ran the tap to hide the sound of sick splashing against the water of the toilet. My hair already scraped back and I lowered my face to the toilet and struck two fingers down my throat. It touched the very back of my throat, enough to make me queasy but it was the simple brushing of the fingers that unleashed it all. I was so disgusted in myself. I hyperventilated trying to gain breath. But I had done it, I had done this to myself. I was the reason for my trauma. My sick elapsing over the toilet seat and I crashed my head to the wall besides it. These were the things I remembered the most, not the actual deed from the forced vomit. It had always been this way.

'Bella open the door!' I head Alice's voice from the other side. I was too dizzy to answer. I couldn't bring myself to stand as yet.

Long ago, when it had just been the beginning of my battle, I had labelled the voice that encouraged me into these antics, Ana and Mia. They came hand in hand. They were my friends. The only voices that I listened too and at first, they listened to me too. They were sympathetic when I told them of how excluded from the rest of the world, how I knew of my unbeautiful ways. They came with good willed suggestions. _Eat less_, they urged. I helped them be a part of me and they were so happy to do be there for me. It seemed that after a while I completely lost track for I know longer had a say when it came to Ana and Mia. The friendship was no longer mutual. They controlled me and I had no control over them.

The door flung upon despite the lock that had securely been shut. Edward rush to my aid and I spilled into his arms attempting to flush the contents of the toilet away. I was to weak and it felt like a convulsion. I pushed out my senses and Edward held me whispering 'don't worry, Bella, everything will be fine.'

Clenching onto Edward, I felt a different person. They knew. They knew, I had made myself sick. Oddly, it felt like a relief. I could show them who I had become. The real Bella.

**A/N **– My silly friend decided that the song for whole of 'Emerging Anorexia' should be Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis. Personally, it has no relevance but bloody hell that song is so addictive! A bit like Bella to her anorexia.

I think that for this particular chapter it should be Lily Allen – The Fear. 'But everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner…' 

In case you didn't catch that, Ana stands for Anorexia and Mia stands for Bulimia.

One last thing, I shan't be updating until I get a good amount of reviews. They make me happy.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When I awoke I found myself lying on a long bed with Edward by my side holding my feverish hand. His was cool and the contrast was soothing. I opened my mouth to speak but he stopped me.

'No Bella, don't strain myself my angel,' he said.

'She's awake then.' Carlisle said promptly.

My eyes flew open Carlisle stood in front handing me a glass of water. 'Drink' he ordered.

I drank it as ordered. I was worried. How much did they know? Or did they know at all? It was a desperate hope. They must know, especially with me being in the presence of Carlisle in his doctoring suit. I hoped, I even mutely prayed that this was just a coincidence. My secret exposed and I be seen as a poor victim. I was more than that, I wasn't a victim, I was just going to extra measure, just to perfect myself.

'No Carlisle, don't question her now.' Edward hissed angrily. It shocked me the way he had spoken to his father. I knew of how much respect he had for him and it was at this that my fears had been confirmed. Worst of all I wondered if Edward would condemn this or if he'd walk away from my being a freak.

'The sooner the better, we don't know what we are dealing with as yet.' Said Carlisle.

'But Alice saw her do it. It was induced. It explains everything, why she's been acting this way recently.' Edward fumed.

'Even so, it's facts first. You've been to Medical school Edward you know that.'

'I'm sorry,' I broke out 'you shouldn't of seen any of it.'

I wanted for him to know that this was my problem and he needn't include himself in it. I wanted him to know that this was for him. For him to love me more and to want me, just as I wanted him.

'No, Bella. I am the sorry one. How could I not of notice the signals? My poor Bella. My poor darling Bella,' he soothed.

'I love you so much Edward.' It told him, fiercely gripping on to his hand. I squeezed as hard as I could and I knew that he received it but most probably felt like a small twinge of my hand from my human weakness.

'I love you.' He said. His eyes warming into mine and mentally I knew he was thinking of his love for me from the intensity of the moment.

Carlisle looked sternly at me.

'Bella, dear, could you answer some questions?'

I nodded. I knew this wasn't a true question. I had no choice. It was never my choice anymore.

'Are you stressed?' asked Carlisle, walking up and down in a perpendicular motion.

My answer was simple.

'No.'

He proceeded to test me. 'Do you have… a problem with food?' He looked uncomfortable at asking such a question.

'No!' I said furiously 'What is he saying Edward? Make him stop! Make him stop!'

I couldn't handle it, I tried to get up but Edward lightly pushed me back. I throttled at the bed sheets but still I didn't manage to bring myself together.

'You're upsetting her, Carlisle.' Edward said in the same menacing pitch that had taken me aback earlier.

'Very well. I'll call Jasper to calm her. We really need this Edward, she could…' Carlisle paused or more like thought the word within his mind and Edward jolted up and bore his teeth at him 'you understand that?'

I thought I understood what he had thought. He has confronted Edward that I might _die_. This wasn't right, I wouldn't die because Edward would save me and make me into his own. Or would he? I didn't speak. I turned my back to Edward.

When Jasper entered the room I felt the atmosphere clear a little and I felt eased. I tried at first to repel but figured that it was pointless and I would in the end have to tell of my way of life. Edward prodded him with 'we'll tell you if assistance is needed. Thank you Jazz.'

With that Jasper left, I did not look at him, not even once when he had came to help me but I knew he had gone from the strong force that had formed around me weakened.

'Bella,' Carlisle went on 'Have you been eating properly? Please be honest.'

'Yes. Carlisle ask Edward I had two dinners and I practically wolfed down his eggs, didn't I Edward?'

My hopes were pinned on Edward, he would help me out. He would lie for me, I was sure of it. It wasn't really a lie anyway, I had wolfed down the food without a doubt.

Carlisle narrowed his eyes at Edward.

'I do not know if she ate twice,' he said quietly 'she did eat the eggs extremely quickly but she soon got it out of her system.'

My heart sank he did not lie for me just as I had thought. He did not protect me like he always said he would, he was letting me be a target of these torturous questions. The voice it had been right – Edward would turn to hate me.

'Bella? Do you do that often? Making yourself sick?'

I hesitated. 'Only when I've overeaten.'

'How long have you been doing this?'

'A few weeks… I don't know.' I was determined for him not to get everything out of me. That I would not be humiliated any further. They both knew too much already, all down to my stupidity.

Edward pecked me on the cheek. His voice broke 'You're beautiful Bella.'

'No… no I'm not ,' I shut my eyes trying not to meet his own. I badly wanted him to be feeding me the truth but I knew better than that, he felt sorry for me and it was the only reason why he dropped his voice, it was all pity. Pure pity that I did not want.

'Have you been having regular periods?' Carlisle questioned.

'I… I don't know. I can't remember.' It was a lie. I knew fully well I hadn't had a period in three months.

His next question was far more intense and I could feel Edward staring at me.

'Do you think you're fat?'

'Just a little overweight… not fat exactly…' the tears started again.

'That's enough now, Carlisle. Leave her be. I told you we already knew this entirely. Let her rest.' Edward sympathised.

Carlisle left down to Edward's wish. The room contained just Edward and I. If vampire tears were possible I knew they would of streamed down his beautiful face. I didn't want him to feel this way towards me. If only my plan had gone into action whereby he would end up loving me more with my new found confidence and thinness. It then suddenly struck me that I could still go according to the plan. It did not matter to me, I would do this. Sure it would be harder but I could do this.

'This all my fault Bella. You're my everything and yet I could never tell. Bella, I love you. I can't contain how angry I am with myself the loathing I feel from within is escaping… I'm sorry. Why? Why this, Bella? Why?' he throatily expressed.

I managed one word 'Rejection.'

His golden eyes shone and widened, 'this is because I'm not willing… to do as you please? You're illness is because you think I don't want you physically? Oh, my wonderful woman I do. I do. So much, that it pains me. I'll give you anything. Just not that.'

He understood my silence and I drifted into a sleep after a while. My body slumped onto his despite his stoned frame I felt comforted.

In the morning they fed me. Two pieces of toast they tried to offer. I refused, I outright screamed, I squirmed but Edward pinned me down. I knew it was difficult for him to do such a thing.

'Listen to me Bella. You eat it or we'll force you.'

He, Alice and Carlisle watched as Edward put half a slice of toast to my mouth. I shut my mouth and wailed to Edward.

'Don't do this, Edward. Please!' I murmured.

Alice stepped forward. 'Come on Bella, just a bite.' It was easy for her to say that. So easy! When they fuck did she have to bite into anything this disgusting? She was so clueless. She didn't understand at all.

'I need to get home to Charlie.' I crooned behind the muffles of food that had been jammed into my mouth unexpectedly.

'I've already called him to say you're staying over again.' Alice told me. I hated her even more that, getting involved in family affairs as well as my personal ones.

I had to give in because Edward pushed it in. It was tasteless and I flung it around in my mouth, I spat it out. His face disowned. I could not bare the way he looked, he must of thought me so ugly.

After many attempts to get them away from me, I had to eat it. I had just the one toast. The calories were rolling in my head. How many would that be 200? Maybe 100 if I was lucky?

'Edward…' Carlisle whispered awkwardly. 'I think you should leave.'

'She will not agree to this,' Edward said shaking his head. 'Bella, Carlisle needs to examine the damage made. He means to say without your clothes. Alice will stay. I understand it would be difficult for me to be in the room.'

'Why? You treat me like I'm injured or with a disease. I'm not ill I'm fine!' I shouted.

'You're sick, Bella.' Edward whispered

'No, Edward. Is it too much to love you? That's my crime? My love for you?' I practically screamed back at him.

'Bella this isn't love. You're killing yourself. Bit by bit you're falling apart. This isn't your love for me, Bella. You're sick.' He said quietly.

'I want you to stay,' I said lowering my tone.

'Are you sure Bella? I don't mind my grace.'

'Stay.' I repeated.

I was too weak to undress myself so Edward removed the jumper that had slumped around me and Alice tore the t-shirt beneath that. Carlisle was busying himself with a clipboard whilst I was stripped to my underwear. I looked at their horrified expressions, looking at my carved bones jutting out in angular positions. Edward's eyes screamed worry. Oh how my dear Alice would think me a freak, I know that I right now I felt hate for her but deep down I loved her and bothered of her reactions. Edward grasped me and cradled me in his arms.

'What have I done to you?' his voice toneless and his eyes shut as if to be killing a strained migraine.

My skinny frame was now exposed. There was no returning the truth had been revealed. I felt humiliated as Carlisle indicated a finger to my hipbone, it was a sharp edge and was subsequently bruised. I hadn't been hurt it was just sudden movement that caused the purple lump and I didn't really feel the bruise settling in.

Alice looked terrified for once in her life, she did not come near me, her face was distraught matching Edward's. Edward put me down into the bed and stroked my tearstained cheek.

'I'm so sorry Bella,' he breathed 'I'll do anything – anything at all – to make the pain go away. You have my word.'

**A/N** – Right well, I've only had thirteen reviews but I'll let it you off! I can't wait to see what you think of this one.

People have asked how I know so much of the disease. Yes, I do have Anorexia Nervosa. Although have to say my dedication was not really the lack of food but I was hooked onto Speed (Amphetamine). So I had no appetite from the extremity of it.

I think the track for this one should be… The Cardigans – Losing my favourite game.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

EPOV

My life, my soul, my every ounce of human emotion, it all belonged to her. It all belonged to Bella. Now I knew that I was a cruel monster, I had been fighting with myself thinking that maybe I wasn't but now I knew. I knew I was to blame for my poor Bella silently dying right in front my very own eyes. I was more than I monster, I was a murderer. Countless times I had taken a humans life and now Bella was just another addition to the numbers.

She was in bed soundly asleep. At least she had eaten something; she couldn't help but splutter half of the pasta dish I had fed her. This time she hadn't forced the bile up; it had become her body's natural reflex. This indicated to me that she had been causing this reaction for quite some time and I so careless in my greed for her never once noticed. If I could voluntarily drown in water I would do so. The only thing stopping me seeking the Volturi was that for once, Bella actually needed me more than I needed her.

I was so helpless. I could hear Carlisle thinking in the next room _Edward shouldn't be in there with her. He's distraught as it is._ I knew he only thought like this because he cared for me but I saw the niggling attribute in his brain that he had tried to hide, he was remorseful. The guilt came from not finding of Bella's illness until most recently when Alice had a vision of Bella plunging two fingers down her throat.

Carlisle entered the room shocked to see my head bowed down to Bella's chest, listening to the uneven beat of her heart. She was so soft but her ribcage had become brittle and I could feel the waves of blood escalate around her body, thick and aromatic. But I couldn't help but notice the lessening of its density and again I thought of my own suicide attempts.

'Come Edward. It isn't healthy to be around her so much… she needs some time alone.' Carlisle told me.

'I won't leave her Carlisle. Not ever again.' Came my throaty whisper in return.

Carlisle's hand gripped my shoulder in sympathy. 'Son, it would give everyone some peace of mind. I'm sure Bella wouldn't want you to suffer along with her.'

I listened to his words of reasoning. I could tell that this wasn't a way to lure me out of the room for my benefit alone. It would bring Bella at least a small amount of happiness, knowing that I wasn't as depressed as she was and that I was getting on in life. My Bella was so odd sometimes, I wanted to show her that I couldn't go on in life without her but it would only make her more restless and weepy than she already was.

'I'm happy with her, Carlisle, away from her I'm just doubly miserable.' It was to some extent truthful. I wasn't happy when I could see how much _I _tormented her but I couldn't leave her alone. It was an outrageous thought and I never wanted my Bella to feel alone.

I tuned into the thoughts of everyone in the household, trying to delve away from Carlisle's quest. Usually I never did this, I tried hard to keep everyone out to at least give them a small bit of privacy. Right this moment in time however I knew their main thoughts would be on Bella and her ordeal.

_The last time I saw Edward like this was the suicide…_ _and all I can think is of Bella, what about Edward? Huh? He needs me. He's my brother and what kind of sister am I not being able to see what Bella's done to herself… if I had focused a little more on Bella and less on myself this wouldn't of happened… I need to see Jasper, I need him _ - Alice.

My dear sister, Alice, she had no idea that I did not blame her, not in the least. I reminded myself to comfort her for I feared she would fall to pieces just like my Bella had and what I was on the verge of doing.

_I should try bringing the emotion of hope around Edward and Bella. Or maybe I should keep out of their affairs, I didn't help the last time so what's to say I'll do it again. How stupid I've been, I can't look at Edward in the eye ever again not after detecting of her intense emotional breakdown. I should of known better, for centuries I have watched the human race cover up their true feelings but why I never suspected Bella of lies is the reason she is in this mess. Oh… Alice, she's coming, I best pull myself together for her sake _- Jasper.

_Ah man, this sucks. Just when everything was going smoothly. Well as smooth as a vampire human relationship could go anyway._ _Bella, she's just so fragile. I don't get it why's she doing this to herself and Edward his turned into a right little ray of sunshine. I can't blame him though, he loves her so much… it's unbelievable what he would do for her _– Emmett.

Yes, I though in return to Emmett's thoughts but I disagreed with the last part, their were things I wouldn't do for her, the one thing she craved for the most. That intimacy that I couldn't give her and it was this that was killing her but I would give her no chance of revival if I went through with it. At least this way she would get better. She had to.

_What can I do? I love them both so dearly… I would do anything for them…_ - Esme.

I stopped there. Esme would only repeat her love for the both of us because she was so compassion.

_Humans are so pathetic._ – Rosalie.

I growled at Rosalie's thought. 'Rosalie,' I said out loud. I couldn't believe the materialism of this girl. Had she not watched Bella struggle time and time again from this disease that had deprived her of normal living life.

'Carlisle, I think you're very right; I should get out a bit. I'll stand outside the door so I can still be with her. I need to discuss something with my dear sister, Rosalie.'

Rosalie would of heard this and Carlisle nodded but not truly understanding. I expected Rosalie to be there hearing the urgency of my voice.

The moment I had said this I regretted it. I would have to leave Bella. If she awoke during the night she would be alone.

'Alice? Stay? With Bella.' I managed to ask.

Alice quickly agreed and I dragged my heavy feet to the door where sure enough Rosalie, in all her vain stood.

'What is it Edward?' she smiled. Her hair whisking falsely to emphasise her wicked mouth expression.

I felt sick to my hard stomach. How twisted was she? Smiling while Bella lay in a bed just about breathing, just about living.

'You're mentally unstable… Bella might _die_ and all you think about is how human she is. This isn't a pathetic story, Rosalie, this is real. This is real life and you're vicious thoughts are vile. You're an evil ballistic woman and I _hate _you're unwelcoming hand to Bella. She deserves better than be surrounded around people like you.' I held threatening finger towards her once I vigorously spoke.

'You shouldn't have been looking into my thoughts,' she said defensively.

I harshly sneered at her.

'It's all self-inflicted. It's her fault! Cancer is a disease. Not a fucking eating disorder! She just wants attention can't you see that, Edward?' Rosalie said.

'Don't you dare!' I shook, shivered even.

Emmett appeared. 'Leave Rose alone, Edward.' He bestowed an arm around Rosalie's shoulders and I glared at it, he caught my look and full of shame put it down. 'We know you aren't feeling all that happy but don't go around snapping at Rosalie.'

Then we all heard it. Bella heaving and moaning. At first I thought her usual sleep talk but Alice's thoughts of worry made me know she had awoken.

'Bella, darling, are you Ok?' I said rushing to her side.

'Yes,' she said through her colourless lips. Her hair stuck to the clammy force on her forehead and she had a greenish tinge to her. She looked like she had just experienced a horrifying nightmare.

'I think she should eat something,' Carlisle murmured.

Bella's eyes widened in fright 'No.'

Her frail body refused to let anything get near her; she tried to fight me off feebly as she knew she wouldn't succeed with my strength. She slashed at my clothes giving just a tear in my sleeve but although it never physically hurt me, mentally I was battered. How my Bella had tried her very hardest to inflict some force onto me because she so desperately didn't want to eat.

'Bella, do this for me,' I pleaded.

'No. I don't need food,' she shrieked, 'don't make me Edward, I'll become fat and horrible and…'

That's when we forced her. We made her unclench her jaw as I had a stiff grip on it and I picked up the fork that lay with the pureed rice to make it easier for her. I couldn't look at her in the eyes but I knew streams of tears were etching down her daunting cheekbones. Every time I loosened on her she would spit it out and I couldn't stand it, knowing the struggle she had. Carlisle had cleared the room out so we stood together alone. His next thought intrigued me.

We could make her fall asleep, knock her out and then feed her through a… tube… Edward.

I shook my head. I knew Bella could do this. She was strong enough to pass this all. She was my brave and beautiful Bella and she would do this.

Time passed me and I did not notice. All I could do was stay by her side whispering my love to her, trying to calm her. After a while I gave up on persuading her to have something to devour. One thing I never thought I would be able to admit to was that I was giving up on my Bella. Maybe I was just delusional; maybe I had trained myself to think that Bella could do this.

During that day, I acknowledged few things. Her fingers had become so boned that her joints were sorely red and the skin around her nails were scalped. Her nails themselves had become easily broken and yellow alongside her cuticles. Bella's usually thick shiny brown locks had become wiry and chunks fell whenever I stroked her hair, even its scent told me she lacked in vitamins. Another aspect that I noticed were fine hairs that appeared around her jaw line and on looking further a trail of hair was found almost anywhere on her body.

Realisation struck me why I had never noticed her symptoms before. I loved her so dearly that I was never exposed to any imperfections so I never searched for any.

She had to survive. I did not know it but her fight would have to come to a halt. And when it did I would still be there to love her.

**A/N** – What'd you all think? I thought I'd give the other side of the story just because I know eating disorder sufferers are constantly trying to cover truth from their loved ones, never really gripping onto the fact that the more you hide the more grief it causes them rather than the reverse.

This reminds me of my own days, only last year, when I was hospitalised and I fought so hard to stick to my old ways. Harder than ever because I thought I'd humiliate myself if I excepted help.

The track for this one should be: The Klaxons – It's not over yet.

On a negative note, I've updated five times in three days, which is A LOT. I've got GCSE's coming up so I'll need to be revising. Sorry! I'll try my best though!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

EPOV

We knew that Charlie would grow suspicious if Bella didn't make a return. That evening I carried her off in my Volvo to her home in Forks. She allowed me to hold her close whilst I settled her into the car and she breathed deeply into my scent as I took in her intoxicating scent like a vicious circle. She was much less energetic than I had formerly known her to be. I often wondered why I had not noticed her lack of liveliness but it came to me that she no longer cared to cover up her weakness for it was no longer a secret.

The two of us remained silent. I wanted, like always, to know what she was thinking but no matter how hard my gaze was at her nothing came off of her. If it had not been down to my stupid inability then I would of discovered her sickness and she would never of came to be here. I stopped thinking negatively just then. I had to keep positive for my Bella.

Once we arrived at her home, Charlie came bounding to the door and looked at Bella and then his eyes swivelled to me.

His thoughts made me cringe internally, I knew what he had on his agenda and I wouldn't let Bella endure it alone. She would surely find this embarrassing and perhaps she would blush. How long it had been since I saw a trace of warmth in her newfound thin face I did not know. Charlie was going to make this very difficult.

'Hi Bells,' he said. His eyes shifting away from the two of us.

'Hi,' she replied. Ever so casually that it was most certainly fooling, nobody he did not know of her illness would of have detected anything unusual at her but I managed not to gape at her.

'Um… Bells could you and Edward have a seat for a sec? I… I just wanted to talk to you about… about something important.' Charlie said indicating a hand to the sofa.

Bella's melting brown eyes looked up into my own golden eyes studying my face for a hint of what her father wanted to discuss. I bent down a little and whispered 'Sex talk.'

She did not blush as I had hoped but she appeared affronted and threw her fist into my hand for a sense of comfort. I returned the gesture in curling my fingers around her knuckles and gently caressing her skinny fingers in my clutch.

'I understand that you two are quite serious now,' Charlie began steadily.

I put my arm around Bella's waist as I too was beginning to feel embarrassment wash over me. She lent into my shoulder so that her hair sprawled out and I could not help but shudder, the soft tingling of it tricking down my spine and flowing beautifully, even though it had been drained from life, down my front thrilled me.

'I just want some peace of mind you know? I don't want no… no unwanted pregnancy or anything a-and I just wanted to ask… you are being, you know, safe and everything? This must be a little embarrassing but it's my duty as your dad, Bells.'

I wasn't going to answer. I waited for Bella to answer. She always shocked me when it came to answering questions.

'Charlie, I assure you. Edward and I aren't like that.' She said.

'So you're being safe?' he asked relieved.

It aggravated me that he wanted to ask yet more questions. Bella hated being tested and everything that she had been through only meant she was more secretive. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when I remembered he did not know of Bella's vulnerability. I would not like to think what she would of said if I hadn't of whispered chillily into her eat 'Relax Bella, I'm here for you.'

'We haven't done anything to be safe for.' She said quietly.

'Oh.'

That was all Charlie said at first and now he was one who looked uncomfortable.

'You mean to say that you're not…' he trailed off

Bella sighed. 'Give us a break with the sex talk Charlie… I'm going to my room.'

'You expect me to believe that Bells? You're eighteen, I understand that… I was eighteen once.' He said bewildered.

'I don't know what you got up to when you was eighteen but I for sure know that I haven't.' she said coldly and jumped out of her seat.

'I knew this wasn't going to be easy Bella but with your mum abroad I need to make sure that things run smoothly,' Charlie said.

I could tell this was not going as Charlie had planned. I searched his thoughts momentarily and found what he truly wanted to know. I did not believe it appropriate and I doubted Bella would be happy for me to share this information with her father.

'Bella, let me talk to your dad, get on with your assignment and I'll see you tomorrow, love.' I got up and kissed her upon the forehead.

She nodded. 'Lay off him a bit Charlie,' She knew I would join her soon through her window. So she did not protest and cleared off into her bedroom.

Charlie cleared his throat as if to give me permission to proceed.

'Charlie, Bella has the up most respect for you and she would never lie to you.'

He glanced at me 'I know what you get up too, you may be an angel in her eyes but you're just like any other teenage boy.'

He wasn't quite right, I was not ordinary, and in fact I was far from being a teenager or a boy and even he knew I wasn't quite the same as any other.

'We're virgins,' I broke out.

'Am I to believe that?' he said baffled.

'I promise you. Carlisle brought me up to be old-fashioned and this is the path we have both chosen.'

Charlie shuffled unnervingly. I began to worry about what Bella would be doing. Would she be exercising the calories off? Trying to make herself sick? I tentatively listened and heard her soft breathing into her pillow. I was very relieved.

'Trust me, chief Swan. It's always marriage first.'

'Well… I guess that's cleared up then.'

'Have a good evening Charlie.'

'And you… son.'

I felt a surge of heartfelt emotion towards him as he said this. I had been welcomed into his home just because I hadn't been physically involved with Bella? It made sense to me for different reasons.

The moment I crept into Bella's window she flung herself at me in a warm embrace. Her heat made my silent heart hum from happiness knowing she was well enough to have the energy to take such enthusiasm into the action. I pressed my lips to hers and her breath tingled down my throat.

'Come Bella lay down, you look tired.' I told her.

'I'm sorry,' she mumbled 'I didn't think Charlie would ever embarrass me like that… what did you talk about?' she asked curiously.

'I just told him not to worry, that's all.'

I could tell she knew there was more to the story but did not try to search for more information. I suspected that she was too exhausted to. I propped myself next to her and under her duvet she curled herself up on to me.

'I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it down,' she said wistfully. The sadness in her voice was not mistakable.

'You did, that's the most important thing, you can get through it.' I praised her.

'Edward?' Bella questioned.

'Yes, my love?'

'Can I tell you something? But you mustn't get angry with me?'

I paused. 'I could never be angry with you.'

I felt Bella draw in a deep gush of air into her lungs as she began to talk. 'I don't know how it started. I don't remember the first time I knew I was ugly and bulgy – no Edward, let me finish first,' she said as I tried to intercede. 'But Edward that first time was the day it changed my life. It only started small you know cutting out chocolate and biscuits and everything…'

She sighed deeply.

'Then I realised it wasn't good enough. I didn't want to eat not when you didn't or Alice. And then you- you didn't want me. You wouldn't go near me-' she choked.

I hushed her. 'Bella you don't need to explain yourself to me, darling wonder, you don't owe me anything of the sort.'

She took the hint and dived into my hard marbled build while I caressed her cheek with my frozen fingers rhythmically. I pulled her closer so that my arm was grasped around her lower back and she lay symmetrically on me. I wanted to show her I did want her. That I wanted her near me – as closer as she could possibly be. Her usually weightless frame was now gone and I couldn't feel her apart from the soft movements of her body whilst she drifted off into her dreams and the intent breathing she sufficed.

Her murmurs in her sleep that night were somewhat settling. The usual mumbles of love for me were whispered excitedly instead of the usual moan. Hours past and I lay there gently rocking her, stroking her glossy hair, and feeling her delicate skin.

'Edward…?' I heard her sigh.

I realised she had awoken by the patterns in her heart and she nuzzled in a little further.

'Edward…?' she repeated.

'Bella? Are you ok? Are you in any pain?' I whispered into the dark.

'Mmm.' I notice her try to struggle to get up and I released her a little and she sat up gazing at me.

'Don't worry, go to sleep, I'm here for you.' I told her gently.

'Can you get me a glass of water, Edward?' she asked.

'Of course.' I paused not really understanding why I was still here and then found the courage to ask the question. 'Are you hungry too? I could get you something.'

I propped her up against a pillow, I could feel the burn of her cheeks. A fever perhaps? Or maybe embarrassment from the query I had asked? I didn't know but I lightly pressed my lips to her cheek for my cool breath to freshen her.

'No.' she finally replied and lay back onto her pillow soundlessly.

It was worth a try, I wouldn't force her to eat right this moment. She had eaten three meals already today and Carlisle had said that this was already a sign of huge improvement compared to the previous two days where she had refused food and the weeks before that when she consumed nothing most days.

Acting human was what I did best… for this moment I did not act human. I knew Charlie was fast asleep so as soon as had left Bella's side I returned with a glass of cold water approximately eight seconds later. To my horror she was not where I had left her. My love and life had been deceitful to me as I realised I had been fooled. My ears tuned into the sounds of the running tap from the bathroom and Bella's suffocating gag. She had left the door open; she didn't have any strength left to of closed it or time. I could see her open sprawl across the flooring. Her eyes shut and her bony hands clutching her thinning stomach. I lent down to her. Her hair engrossed in thick saliva from her purge and cold sullen face pressed against the yellow gung. It was obvious she had not managed to the toilet.

A/N – Review! Just thought I'd confirm that the next chapter will also be in Edward's Point of view. I think it's just as important as Bella's.Song - Mark Ronson – Stop me.

This song makes me cry for some reason. It shouldn't really but it does.

Can anyone suggest songs for the whole story in itself or for individual chapters. I don't really care 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

EPOV

'Bella!' I groaned. 'Bella!'

She didn't speak. Her throat was groggy as if to be trying to remove the last of the food she had tried to be rid of. She had succeeded from the pool of yellowing lumps spoiled with deep red that I recognised as blood because of the overwhelming scent. I stopped inhaling to make sure that I could handle Bella's current problematic situation without a sudden urge to attack her.

'Bella?'

I searched for my mobile in my trouser pockets. I felt panicked and I quickly lifted her up onto a woollen blanket. I hurriedly thought of how I would wipe away the sick as I dialled Carlisle's number. She would need a shower to wash it out from her hair. I panicked again thinking of how shamed she would feel if I unclothed her and washed her beneath the running water. If she managed the strength she would cease to attack me once more but from my crude hard body she would only bruise herself.

If I had been human my hands would of trembled as I held the phone to my ear and moreover I do not think I would have been able to compose myself into speaking anything at all.

'Carlisle? It's Bella. She's been sick again.' I said down the speaking end of the phone.

His voice was stern and it frightened me. 'Bring her back, Edward.'

They stunned me for they were four simple words that said so much masked behind them. It meant that she would need serious medical condition, it meant we could no longer take matters into our own hands, it meant that Bella was worse. Much worse than she had been before.

'Is this the only solution? Her father will have my head if he awakes… we would have to tell him of Bella's… Bella's anorexia.' I had only just about managed the word that was overruling my dear Bella.

'I think so Edward.' He said quietly.

'Is it urgent that I should bring her? Is this extremely dangerous Carlisle? Answer me!' I spat the last bit out but my human inabilities disallowed any saliva to spurt out.

'I thought she was making progress, I thought that she only had the tendency to show bulimic attributes. I was very wrong, Edward, I am very sorry, son. Her continuous vomiting will end up straining all her stomach acids or a tear in her oesophagus. She needs an intense programme. I will tell Charlie when morning approaches, I'll get Alice to focus on what time he will awake. As for it being urgent, I do not know. Is she struggling to breathe?'

By this time I had launched Bella into a tight embrace and she flung her arms around my neck and I tested her breathing for a second. I calculated her normal breathing rate to figure the answer to the question.

'Yes… only slightly. I'm on my way now.'

With that I dropped the mobile and picked Bella up with the warm blanket wrapping around her. I took her back to her room and she evoked a struggle to release from my hold and she whispered to me – no begged of me – to let her to remain here in her home.

'Please, Edward. Let me stay here. I'll stop doing this, it was only the once, I won't do it again… I promise you… just don't make me go back.' She sobbed into my shoulder.

I cannot describe the emotion I felt when she said it. It was the first time I realised that was not _my_ Bella. She was _my _Bella under the active influence of this demonic hold. It wouldn't let her get on with life and her suffering came from the possession.

I silently jumped from her window. She looked like she was living her nightmare as her eyes yielded with fear at me I hushed her as she began to moan. I ambled her into the Volvo and she refused for me to let go of her. I had her lean on me whilst I drove and her shaking body attempted to unlock the door. I cradled her more thoroughly and she told me of how I was making the wrong decision. How I was the reason for this in the first place. How I would send her to her grave.

I knew it all to be true. She was right it was my fault but I knew that she needed help and so it was indeed the first right decision I'd made since I'd laid eyes on her and greedily taken her as my own. I studied her face. She was aching from the inside and now it was reflecting on the outside. What must I do for her to see all of this wasn't necessary? What must I do to make her see how beautiful she was?

It made me come back to the thing that she wanted that I could not give. From the previous few days Carlisle was careful of the material she watched on the television but when switched on she hardly looked at it and her just wondered beyond the screen. She had insisted that Alice bring her the iPod that she treasured and we could not objectify to because there was nothing unlawful about music. How very wrong I was. I heard the sounds of her favourite artists and each time a hidden meaning was conveyed and I could not help but blame them for motivate Bella to her ways. The lyrics '_I spent ages giving head' _was something she replayed on. It hurt me that she wanted such things and I would not abide and it was this that made her miserable. Like the selfish monster I was I thought of how much joy it would give me to practice such an act without Bella's life in danger. I think Carlisle already knew of the stem of reasons for Bella's disorder because he never once asked her psychiatrically trained questions like this, which ordinarily would be compulsory.

An hour later, Carlisle having picked up on the music being played asked for it's immediate removal and rather than refuse she held out her iPod and placed it into his palm then dispassionately turned her back on me and cried into her pillow. I so sincerely wanted to comfort her but Carlisle's thoughts told me otherwise.

_No, Edward, let her get it all out on her own. She'll never come to terms with this if you're always here to guide her. _He had thought.

She was very emotional, more so than normal teenage girls. I had to keep reminding myself that although Bella acted closer to my hundred years than her own age that she was a teenager.

As I arrived and curled Bella up in my arms, the house seemed to be alerted. The next few minutes were nothing but a never ending blur. The shrieks and screams of my raging Bella as they forced me to attach the drip into her sweet smelling blood. The painless attempts of Bella trying to inflict scratches on my arms so that I would not lower her. The tubes that were stuck into her that made her thrash and cry. The forceful act of me getting her to swallow the sleeping tablets to which she turned and began scratching herself before I could stop her. My gorgeous Bella was slipping away. She had gone beyond harming her own body, she was drastically killing herself.

I had rejected Alice's intentions of searching Bella's room to find anything noticeable. I strictly forbade her not to invade Bella's privacy. Besides, I told myself I would of noticed if she had anything suspicious in her room. I imagined magazines full of fake smiles stashed on her desk and her trying to compare herself to their thin bodies. It did strike me however that I had not noticed any of her symptoms in each other but still I denied doing so.

'I hate you, Edward Cullen, you hear me? You've ruined everything! You don't love me! I hate you – I hate you! Leave me alone!' Bella's screams willed.

I could not stand it as she shouted her hate at me. I deserved this treatment. I had brought her here against her will. I wanted so badly for her to know that I only brought her here because I loved her but she would not listen and screamed louder.

'I love you.' I croaked.

I respected her wishes, although it pained me, and left her in the care of Carlisle and Alice. Esme had put a collection of music on, perhaps to calm me from shock. Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie treaded very carefully around me. I throbbed with hate for myself and fled out of the door onto the greenery. I growled into the night, emptying my thoughts out into the wet air. Why Bella? If there were such a thing as God why had he done this to my loving and caring Bella? I could smell human food being cooked from where I stood. Although Bella was now being fed through a tube to her stomach and through her nose they were not giving up on making her eat by the traditionally means.

I felt useless. I needed to do something. Something that would help Bella. Alice was still thinking about raiding her bedroom for hints or clues of what could of triggered Bella's illness and she had even pictured hidden food in her drawers. I didn't want to do this to Bella but now that I was apart from her knew that this would be the best option. I would not go alone, Alice would come with me. I listened to Alice's thoughts some more and she was having a vision. It was of my upset face telling her that searching through Bella's things would have to go fourth. I knew that she would come and join me out in the open, for she knew of my intentions now.

Alice and I travelled in silence by foot. She did not question me aloud but within her mind she was swarming with unanswered questions. The same was within me. I wanted to know if Bella had mentioned me or if she had had a vision of what would be her fait. I was too scared to ask.

We trailed through Bella's things. Alice began by searching in her drawers and I under her bed. My fingers flickered through the shelves and her unused desk. Approaching her desk I through everything off of it, checking each compartment. I found nothing out the ordinary, I wasn't sure if I was disappointed. I traced through her books in each page as if searching for a hidden message. Going through each book bind, I noticed her copy of 'Great Expectations' sticking out ever so slightly.

Sure enough I find a hidden spot. It was a golden packaging and I recognised immediately. The black printing aligning the title 'Benson and Hedges'. I was not shock as I should have been. The cigarettes were the least of my worries when I found her next spot sticking out from her wardrobe. Alice was kneeling at it and I went to her side.

Alice effortlessly pushed the wardrobe away to fully expose the plank of wood that stuck up at a jagged angle. I ripped it off fully and there below was a horrid pile of _food._ What seemed like a months worth of an average human's eating were decaying under the ground arranged with carrier bags and what looked like bathing salt jars filled with lavender for what seemed like Bella's attempt to clear the stench of her hidden food.

Alice searched got up and searched elsewhere whilst I lingered on the food, extracting parts to take back to Carlisle for him to understand what exactly she'd been doing.

I heard Alice gasp and I spun around to find Alice rummaging in her underwear draw and extracting a small bottle of what appeared to be pills.

'

'What is it Alice?'

A/N – Review!

Cool? Uncool? Tell me what you think.

Next Chapter will be returning to Bella's point of view.

It's not fair and I think you're really mean (8). Addicted to that song at the moment, I've even done a cover version of it I love it so much. Lily Allen – Not fair. And OMG. Just realised it was the last episode of Skins last week. I'm so gutted. I love Skins.

I'm chuffed to bits that people have reviewed and liked the story so far. I should be worried that you won't like it as much as the story proceeds but I'm not.

Moving on to my next point the track for this is Small town Boy by Andre Herman Dune.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

BPOV

I was uncomfortable. I was sorry for the things I had said to Edward but I was angry. Angry that he had brought me here and that I was now being stabilised by countless monitors and wiring. The sleeping solution I had been given was kicking in. At least then I could have hope of escaping the nightmare or perhaps even worse I would fall into a deeper one.

I only woke up to the sound of rushed voices circulating the room. I was a little hazy from the dose of drugs I had been given. I tried to focus a little more but with no hope I tried to pinch myself but I realised that my aching arm would not reach from the any tubes in the way. On further inspection I notified that I could not move at all from it all.

I listened. I was still so drowsy that I was more asleep than awake. I tried to shuffle inwards to get a better hearing but I couldn't manage. The humming noises from the medical machinery nearby made it harder for me to listen but as if the people talking knew I'd want to listen came closer and I lay still.

'Did you find anything then?' Carlisle's wise tone asked.

I didn't hear anything apart from the shuffling of a nod or a shake. It made me note that they were unable to speak maybe from shock.

'Yes. More than we could of imagined.' Alice said in a flat tone.

'Well?' said Carlisle.

'I do not know which is the most serious.' I heard Edward's angelic sigh vibrating onto the walls. 'You look Carlisle, here.'

More silence. The fierce experimental rummaging proceeded to make me more awakened.

'These laxatives are extremely strong… cigarettes too? Did you not notice?' Carlisle asked.

My stomach flumped and not from the pain. They had found them. All my belongings that I had kept secret. They had found them. It didn't belong to them. How could they do such a thing, after everything they had done to me and forced me to do, they still persisted in doing such a thing but I was to tired to have any anger arise in me.

'Of course I didn't.' Edward hissed back in response.

'Sorry, how stupid of me. At least she hasn't been smoking illegal substances. Cocaine would have been something to look for.' Carlisle replied.

I hadn't tried anything like that and not because I didn't want to but because it would be too obvious. Edward would find out immediately and I didn't want my secrets exposed but looking back I wished I had because he had find out despite my reserved ways.

'And what's this?' Carlisle carried on.

'Food… hidden under her floorboards and this chewed up behind her wardrobe.' Said Alice.

I must have snorted through the tube in my nose before anyone noticed that I was awake. All three rounded up on me and Alice dashed my things to the side before I could get a real glimpse of any of the items. I breathed deeply making my chest accumulate into a huge outskirt and it worried me of the weight I had gained. I did not want to think of the size I had ballooned up to.

'Oh, Bella, you're awake.' Edward darted anxiously.

'Mm. You found everything didn't you?' I asked terrified. My weak voice carried to them very quickly because of their brilliant hearing but nobody responded, Alice and Carlisle left the room and closed the door before my Edward even signalled that he had heard.

My eyes flickered to his hard face and he nodded stiffly.

'I want to get better,' I whispered. It was barely audible. 'I hate being like this. I stink, I can't even think without it being food related anymore and my nails are chipped, my hairs fallen out… and you… you detest me even more, I've hurt the person that I love so much. You are my life but when you left food or lack of food replaced it.'

'Bella. We'll give you all the help you need. Don't worry about me. Think only of how you will get better.' He told me gently burrowing his lips into my hair.

However much revolting I looked he kissed my forehead and his lips trailed downwards past the tube to my own lips. They gently lingered across my mouth. It was a while before he drew away and my heart fluttered as if it was the first kiss we had ever shared.

I tried to act normal whilst he stayed by my side. I wanted to show him that I was the Bella I had always been not the new girl I had become. The one who had lied to him and hurt him.

'I'm sorry I lied to you about everything.' I managed.

'I understand why you did it. All that matters to me is the love you feel for me.' He looked me straight in the eye as he said this and I looked straight back trying to emphasise my love for him with it.

'It doesn't excuse anything, Edward. I want you to ask me… ask me anything and I promise I won't lie.'

He did not need to be provoked. 'Bella, all this time you were acting strange… the whole time it was because of this?'

'Yes,' I breathed.

'And that day when you skipped Biology Bella… what did you truly go to do?' His eyes were deeply latched on to my gaze. I broke it out of shame.

'I knew that this would be an opportunity alone. You can read anyone's mind so I couldn't tell anyone what I was really doing. I really did go to the toilets. I went to smoke. It satisfies my hunger.'

'Smoke? So you really did use that packet.' He mused sadly.

'You think differently of me now?' I asked breathing once more.

'No.' he said. I didn't believe him but I did not argue.

'Edward – you don't need to worry, I've never smoked anything other than that or sniffed or injected for that matter.'

His posture relaxed a little at this.

'Cannabis makes you hungry anyway,' I said distracted.

He ignored my last comment and looked lovingly at me, my heart pumped exceptionally well at this point.

'It can't be easy being fed through these things.' He gestured to the tubes.

'No it isn't.'

I knew from that moment that I could talk to Edward. But he'd never understand, not really. It came to me however that if he wanted me talk to him I would. Simply because I loved him.

-

'Carlisle wants to weigh you again. I told him not to.' Edward told me.

I was ready to open up to him, the day had passed and morning had approached. Edward was the only one of his siblings he did not attend school that day, he refused to leave me and I could only repay him with truth.

'Edward…' I began my confession. 'Don't tell anyone else? But I have my own means of faking a weight.'

His eyes widened. 'You weren't clothed Bella, you wouldn't of carried anything in your pockets.'

From this I knew that he had thought of a way for me to fool my weight and it showed he cared for me still even with this desperate bidding I was going through.

'No, that's not what I meant. I drank 3litres of water before I got on.' I admitted.

'Oh.' He whispered 'Do you have any other… tricks?'

'Not that I can think of. Not that would cover up anything anyway.'

He looked at me eyes full of worry, wondering what I meant by all of this.

'Well… you know now don't you? The food hiding, the fags, the laxatives and if I ever got hungry I would eat celery. You know celery is one of the only foods that burn calories?'

He nodded and held me closer to him grazing his thumb over my cheek.

'I drank a lot too. Diet coke was my prized possession. It filled me up when I was empty. At first black coffee to but I grew to despise it when I pretended to be asleep besides you.'

'I promise you Bella, I will always – always be here for you, you hear me?' he said suddenly.

This time it was my turn to nod. 'Yes.'

I waited before I carried on just to let him digest what I had just said.

'Then there was faking that I was eating… I'd intentionally make dinner than throw away half to look as though I had eaten before Charlie. I always left dirty pans in the sink to look as though I'd cooked for myself. Whenever I did eat I'd try to hide it in a napkin and if that failed me I'd smear it in my hair and behind my ears.' I cried.

He hugged me right there and then said 'Don't worry, Bella, this is going to be the start of a new. I love you.'

'I don't know how you can stand me, Edward, I'm a mess… I'm not meant for you. You deserve so much better.'

He shook his had in concern 'No. You are the one I was meant to spend eternity with.'

My eyes glistened as he said this but not from tears. 'Change me Edward. If you did than I wouldn't have to eat anymore and we could be together for eternity but right now as I'm human there is no eternal bond.'

He looked strained, furious that he had managed to bring the subject up and he firmly gripped my hand more tightly. 'No'.

'W-why?' I stammered. 'Don't you want me to be with you forever.'

'Don't.' he stated and he would not go on.

I helplessly went to sleep with his hand still twined into mine. I decided I would just have to get fat, to make Edward happy. It was the only way.

A/N – Plenty of you guessed the answer to the cliff-hanger of the last Chapter. Well done if so. Please, please, please review simply because I write more when you do. And thank you if you've loyally read the story so far. More out if you're suffering from any ED, I hope you get better and well enough to live again.

I cried writing this chapter because I suppose it was a pivotal point. The turning of wanting to starve to wanting to get better.

Next Chapter will be in, wait for it, Alice's Point of View. ;)

Song: Ida Maria – Oh My God.

I'm not really sure if the song is really that relevant so I'll give you a youtube link to remind yourself of it or if you're from over the seas (i.e. not in Britain, although Northern Ireland is over the sea but you know what I mean) I don't know if you've ever heard of Ida Maria.

.com/watch?v=naQSB1Ozyds

Let me know what you think. Nem xxx ;O


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

APOV

Things were getting better. Even if they were ever so slight. I had to be the one to tell Charlie about Bella's eating disorder. He was a nice man, I'd never noticed how carefree he was and respected Bella's wishes to stay away while she recovered. He phoned her though and her tiny voice was enough to keep him satisfied.

When I had arrived at Bella's house he looked at me surprised just as I had foreseen and he firstly greeted me.

'Oh, hello there Alice.' He said and welcomed me into the house.

'Hello chief Swan.' I said trying to contain my sad face.

'Is there something wrong, Alice? Bella's still asleep by the looks of it.' he asked frowning now with concern.

'There's some complications with Bella but she'll be fine… Carlisle sent me here you see. She's with him right now at our house, she's a little off key.' I explained.

He threw his tattered jacket on and was about to reach for his keys. He looked like he had to get to an urgent meeting and I saw the worry on his face and detecting the fast thumping of his heart, I knew that he was rushing to see Bella. I interrupted him before he could go any further.

'Wait! No don't go, Bella… she wants you to stay here. She doesn't want you to see her like the way she is.' I said.

'What's wrong with my daughter?' he snarled at me. 'Let me go, I'm going to see Bella.' I pushed him back ever so gently like any normal teenage human girl and he shouted 'Get off me kiddo.'

I refused and said 'You trust me don't you Charlie? I've always been good to Bella, you know that. I love her and if I ever thought that you had to rush to her side I'd tell you wouldn't I? Just sit down and I'll tell you everything.'

He eyed me up suspiciously but he responded by letting go of the keys he had clutched and gestured for me to take a seat. I took the chance and he to looked at me and sat. There was a brief pause where I waited for him to calm a little to make the account more durable for his likes.

'How much do you know about Anorexia Nervosa?' I began.

This was the best way to tackle it. I knew the different possible outcomes from this gentle conversation and this had turned out for the best. It was much to my advantage that I could view the future but at times I hated it for the reasons that my gift hadn't tracked Bella down in the earlier stages of her illness.

He looked flabbergasted. His mouth hanging a little and his hands stretching to pull his hair from the stress of what I had just said.

'My Bella? She's got _that _hasn't she? I always thought you know, I never thought… but I put it down to school stress you know?' he whispered distortedly whilst all his words strung together.

'Didn't we all Charlie.' I soothed and started to pat him on the back to show a little understanding.

I told him everything that he could handle. I skipped certain bits like the laxatives we had found or the extremity of her illness. He then thanked me and I sped off in Edward's Volvo back to my home. Back to looking out for not just Bella, but for everyone.

Jasper was the love of my life and I had him in my cold heart always but recently I had deprived him of my love from caring for Bella. I knew he understood but he could hardly stand besides Bella when he still found it extremely hard. I would show him my affection later on into the night when Bella was asleep, I thought.

Bella was my best friend. I had always thought that I would never find such a companion especially in a human. She made Edward complete too and that had been such a priority in our lives for years that Edward should finally fall in love.

The moment she woke up the next morning Carlisle had taken all monitors off her apart from the drip and Edward had fed her cornflakes for her frail arms were not strong enough to do it herself. She seemed eager to eat it as quick as possible, trying not to think about it even. The milk slurred around her mouth but she swallowed as though in pain. She downed the orange juice given to her. Carlisle decided we should perhaps push the boundaries a little and laid a banana in front of her. At first she eyed it in disgust but her eyes shut after a few moments.

'Go on, feed it to me.' She insisted.

'You don't have to do this. You've done so well already.' Edward said kneeling next to Bella with his usual hand elapsed into her own.

She did eat the banana without hesitation to; I was pleased along with everyone else. We all knew however not to get our hopes so high. Her change in mood was so often that she could quite easily of gone from calm and collected Bella to the shrieking one who still terrorised my mind with awful images.

They'd opened up a window to allow Bella some fresh air. We never usually opened any windows after all we didn't need oxygen. Edward had gone downstairs after Bella had convinced him to leave her for her own benefit because she needed girly company.

'Alice,' she strained herself almost an hour later after complete silence. 'Could you help me with something?'

I wasn't sure whether to accept this, I didn't know what she would want from me. It could be a ploy or a trick even.

'What is it, Bella?' I asked her.

'I really… I need a cigarette.' She said pleadingly.

I looked at her in confusion. I hadn't expected this favour. I would have expected anything but that, although I could not completely understand why.

'I don't think I can help you with that, Bella.' I said quietly.

'Please Alice? Look I've eaten loads today! Just one, Alice. I know you have them somewhere here. I'm going out of my mind.' She whimpered.

'I don't think Edward would approve.'

'So? He doesn't have to know!' she argued back at me.

'Bella. You know fully well he'll know if I give you a cigarette. Or have you forgotten he can read minds?' I said rich in sarcasm.

'Just don't think about it when he's around then!' she snapped at me.

I didn't reply. She fidgeted in her bed. Was this a withdrawal symptom? I didn't know. Edward walked into the room standing behind me.

'Bella.' He said softly. 'You can have a cigarette love.'

I was stunned and by the look on her face she was too. His walking was not the human one that he had been forced to adapt but much to slow, ever so slowly approaching her with the shiny wrapper adjusted on the outside of the cigarette box.

He handed over a long stick of a cigarette but firstly lit it. She looked curiously at him in disbelief but she put to her lips even so and inhaled a deep pull.

'Nice.' I heard her mutter. I wasn't sure what this meant but she flickered the cigarette into an empty bowl and took another pull.

'Edward!' I accused him. _Why did you let her have one?! _I thought loudly.

His eyes were sincere. 'I can't give her anything else, Alice.' He whispered beyond Bella's hearing.

_This is crazy, Edward. You've got to make her stop!_

I fast forwarded in my head and saw what he would say 'It's what she wants.' He would have seen my vision this and he didn't speak.

_She wanted to starve herself. You didn't allow her to do that. Why this?_

I fast-forwarded again 'Just this once.' He would say.

We both looked on at Bella who seemed to be enjoying herself for once. The smoke was steaming out of her like a train exhilarating fog into unpolluted skies. Her bony fingers launched to and from her lips as an ongoing pattern.

Lunchtime approached quickly. Carlisle had suggested grilled vegetables in a sandwich to stock up on her vitamin C. It seemed she had not been as willing as this morning. At first she had said she was full from breakfast but much to her disappointment she ate anyway. About a quarter I'd say.

Thankfully she did not ask for another cigarette. I had lifted her for toilet breaks because she struggled to limp alone but the main reason was everyone's fear that she would make herself sick or worse do something horribly stupid. Afternoon turned to evening and Esme and I had put Bella into a warm bath and proceeded to scrub her thin frame. Her naked body revealed her ribcage creeping out from her discoloured skin, her elbow scraped, her kneecaps bigger than her thighs and her once full breasts disappeared. She did not look embarrassed but she tried to repel us and told us she could manage herself.

'Maybe we should call Edward to calm her.' Esme suggested sadly.

I was sure Edward would be reading our minds looking in at Bella's fit of temper in the water.

'I don't think Bella would want that.' I sighed.

Bella looked frightened. 'No, he can't see me like this.'

I did not tell her he had probably already witnessed her in her current state through mine and Esme's head. I wouldn't upset her.

'It's OK. Just relax.' I said wiping her face with a cloth.

This time she did not flinch and she allowed Esme and I to carry on washing her in the bathtub. I helped her put on her underwear whilst Esme draped a thick woollen dress around her for warmth.

I looked longingly at the girl who was now a sister to me, how much I loved her was not even comparable to clothes. She most definitely came first.

**A/N** – Review

Song: Keane – Everybody's changing.

Didn't update yesterday… simply because I was really busy. Went rioting, it was proper funny because I had no idea what I was rioting about. It was something to do about the credit crunch. All I know is I came back home with these really cool dangly earrings and some briefcase and George with a fucking TV. I was like wtf? And then he spilt the fish bowl water over it so the TV doesn't work and the fish died. Although he'd been feeding it skunk and hair mousse for about a month so it wasn't unexpected anyway. R.I.P. Penguin the fish who died buzzing.

Getting permanently excluded from school so I'm very pissed. Talking of pissed I got absolutely hammered this morning and ended up putting my hand down the drain to get some random guys phone. My dad is proper having a go at me now because of everything. And as if getting permanently excluded wasn't enough, they called the fucking ambulance on me because I was so stoned. Very uncool. I looked like a psycho and apparently I kept trying to run away from the teachers. It's utter bollocks. So yes crappy week for the crappy chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

EPOV

Another week had past. Bella's condition was recovering. Everyday she grew stronger. Her eating habits were now still existent even so. Alice had phoned only yesterday to report that she would try to slip food into the side cabinet. Bella had put on near enough ten pounds since the beginning of her dangerous journey. I was in the usual position of holding her hand at her bedside, her breathing rose heavily and her collar bone evidently still stuck out, her once glorious complexion was now a pasty white with the bulbs of scarring spots hastening across her near full cheeks. She blinked up at me biting her lip.

'What am I eating for dinner today?' she said as though striking a normal conversation.

'Carlisle mentioned salmon.' I said hastily looking at her detached facial expression.

'Aren't you going to go to school today?' she mumbled.

I had not made an appearance in school since Bella's illness had been founded and neither had she. It was for the best, she was not in the normal state for school and I would not leave her.

My eyes flinched at her. 'Of course not Bella, I'm staying here with you.'

'Why? I'm better now Edward.' She gestured at herself. 'Look I'm as good as new.'

'Bella, you're doing very well sweetheart but I'm not leaving you.' I reassured her.

It was the only thing that I could do to make myself feel better, compliment her. Carlisle had advised that I should not over do it for she would realise and think I was lying so I stuck to the ones I usually paid her but with extra care with my wording. I did not want to stupidly say something to upset her like the words 'you're putting on weight'.

'Will you make me some eggs?' she said shyly and outright.

I gleamed at her and kissed her upon the forehead 'Of course, I'll get Esme to stay with you.'

Esme was happy to retire to Bella's side. She'd been very useful with making Bella settle in and making her feel normal once more. I reminisced of the argument she'd had with Rosalie the day before about her insincerity and it had resulted in Rosalie coming to apologise.

Bella however did not like this. She revealed to me something disheartening that I for sure knew not to be true.

'Rosalie… she's pretty and beautiful and I'm not.' She had said scornfully.

It concerned me that she thought herself inadequate and compared herself to Rosalie so much.

'I love you for everything you do and are, and you're beauty is one of.' I said firmly.

She did not looked convinced but I didn't want to push her any further into the subject.

I hurried down the stairs and extracted the ingredients I'd need for Bella's omelette. I wasn't sure whether to give her a small portion or a larger one. I had no experience of illnesses like Bella's despite my two medical degrees.

I could hear the caring ramblings of Esme's mind but _Hey Edward making food for Bella, I guess_, soon interrupted them_._

I spun around to Emmett smiling at me cautiously. He was slumped against the wall and leaning his legs inwards into a supposedly casual pose obviously trying to cover up some kind of nervousness.

'Emmett? Aren't you supposed to be at school?' I stared at him.

'Uh huh, yeah.' He answered shortly.

'Well?' I asked curiously as his thoughts frazzled between trees and the colour blue, obviously trying to hide something from me.

'I've been meaning to… to talk to you about something.' He said sheepishly.

I was about to prod another _'well?'_ but he stopped and looked up and whimpered a little groan.

'Carlisle reckons because I'm the eldest out of Jasper and I that I should have this… this talk about you know.' He said.

I focused on his thoughts and picked up something about Bella's face and mine attached mechanically, the thought scared me and I looked at Emmett in a way that he must of known I wasn't aware of what he was talking about.

'Sorry I didn't mean to scare you.' He panicked. 'Ah man, I'm so bad at this… it's about _physical_ stuff.'

I felt a rush of heat around me despite my inability to have blood running through my veins, embarrassment of course; I cringed and refused his eye contact. I turned my back on him and proceeded to cut the mushrooms in a second and dashed them into the pan. I was aware that he was still there staring at me, waiting for my response.

'Make it quick Emmett, I've got to feed Bella.' I said. It was true but the real reasoning was that I wanted to escape this torment.

'Yeah it will be… I mean you know about the birds and the bees don't you?' he clarified with an uncertain cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes. 'Emmett, you are asking someone with two medical degrees!'

'So, little brother, what's it like with the human?' he questioned.

For once I felt Bella's embarrassment of being a virgin. How excruciatingly shameful would it be to admit it to the sex deviant in the shape of Emmett.

'Fine.' I lied flatly, flickering my eyes away and starting to whip the eggs.

He hesitated. 'Hey Edward… you have done the deed right?' Emmett stepped forward.

'Yes.' I lied again.

He sighed. 'You haven't, have you?'

'Stop pestering me, Emmett, just go to school!' I retorted, getting angry that he thought the purpose of this conversation was more important to Bella.

'I know Bella's ill and all… I didn't want to give you any grief, Edward… I just want to let you know that you can always speak to me. I know I'm not the most understanding at times but I know how hard it must be with Bella and everything.'

I gritted my teeth. 'How would you understand how it must feel for me with Bella being sick? You don't, you can't ever _know_ what it's like, ever!'

It angered me so deeply that he had tried to position himself in my shoes. It was incomparable. How could he stand there and tell me that he knows of my bewilderment and self loathing when he stood their freely smiling on his own will and not at the stake of others only moments ago.

'Uhm… yeah sorry about that, Edward. I only meant to say I'm here for you… if you need to talk.' Emmett said awkwardly.

'There's nothing you're thinking that hasn't already been covered by Bella's father.' I mumbled.

Why must everyone be so dependant on sex? What was it that everyone seemed to find so important? I did want that extent of intimacy with Bella but if we never ever experienced it because Bella didn't want to commit in that way then I would perfectly be happy to exist a virgin for the rest of my days. Another thing I'd always thought about sex was that it was private… everyone seemed to know about my non existent sex life and have something to say about it - Bella, her father, Alice, Emmett, Carlisle and the others had thought about it in the passing.

Emmett raised his eyebrow at this. 'I wish you'd listen sometimes, Edward, and I don't mean to our thoughts, to what we've actually got to say. Everyone's going spare about you.'

'I don't need anyone's sympathy, Bella is the victim here!' I hissed furiously.

'Look, if you aren't going to open up to me that's fine but it's not healthy to keep it all within, you're not a pretty face to look at when you're filled with all this anger in you and whatever else Jasper mentioned. Talking of Jasper, he's going crazy! Noticed how he hardly stays at home these days? He can't take it with all the wild emotions in here and now Alice is getting worked over you, Bella and Jasper and Esme is practically crying all the time and Carlisle is starting to look human with the amount of stress and worry. It's not right. It's just not _right_. Bella must feel it too all this wave of bottling up your feelings. It might just tip her over the edge –.'

'Don't!' I shouted. My venomous eyes coiled around my lids straining myself to remain calm but my fist had already slammed into the worktop and it collapsed without hesitation. I dropped to the ground in despair. Esme had heard the crashing that I had caused and was by my side in a magical second.

'Go Emmett.' Esme argued with him.

_Sorry_ he whispered weakly in thought.

'Go back to Bella.' I moaned holding my forehead up.

'She'll be fine, come Edward. Shhh it's going to be OK.' Esme whispered comforting me with a motherly hug.

I didn't attempt to say that it wasn't going to be ok. Even she knew that it was never going to be ok. Not the way it was. I sighed deeply inhaling the musk of Esme's coldness. I wanted Bella and her warmth. I needed her. I despised myself. How much would need to happen for me to realise that Bella was the only thing worth me existing? Before her I had no purpose, I was frozen in the lonesome body I still owned, only perhaps I had melted slightly even reaching more to life than death.

My eyes ached for tears to be born in the rim but my inhumanity destructed this emotion. I had never felt so much inner pain in all my years, it was my ultimate tragedy and I would never recover it. As long as Bella suffered I would too.

It was strange how so much time could of passed without my intention of doing so. Time for the undead was not crucial as it was to humans. For we had eternity to do as we will but humans were always timed to how long they had to live. It did not worry me the amount of time I nestled into my mother's chest, I was listening to Bella's heart for comfort and her soft rasping breath meeting my cheeks as I reciprocated what she had to give by lightly breathing.

'Edward, dear, I can hear Bella…' Esme said breaking away.

I tentatively listened to recognise Bella's groans escaping down the staircase. Esme jumped up to her feet and I ran to my Bella. My one true love.

**A/N** – Don't hesitate to review… much appreciated.

Song: Naïve by The Kooks / Rape me by Nirvana

No school and Easter Holidays approaching so I'll be revising a lot. GCSE's in only a matter of weeks. I'm absolutely crapping myself. I'm only allowed to go to school for Drama rehearsals but not for the benefit of my own grade but the others in my group.

Things aren't going to well with me. I've given up on this FanFiction, it's all complete bollocks, you can't fucking 'recover' from no shitty disease like this. People like to make you think you're normal, you're just not. You're never the same and you never will be. And why? Because Ana found _you_, not any other next assed fucker. So I'd just like to point out this is EXACTLY what it says on the tin, this is Fiction, in other words unreal make belief. And to those fuckers out there who starve themselves because they think it'll make them prettier are just insane self-centred idiots. Now I'm going to fuck off with some vodka and get shagged senseless and hopefully die during the fun because I don't want this no more. I don't want to wake up in the morning wanting my next fix anymore, I don't want to deal with exams, I don't want to sleep every night with someone other than my boyfriend, I don't want people to watch me eat when I'm silently holding back my tears. I don't want to hurt anyone as much as I'm hurting myself.

I'm sorry.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

BPOV

'Edward?' I cried. I was restless I needed him to hold my hands.

Carlisle had gone to work so there was nobody to feed me through the usual tubes that I hadn't been forced to use since I had started to comply with their regulation of eating. I decided I'd take advantage of this and refuse food despite my requests for eggs, it was merely a moment of relapse and he wouldn't really mind if I denied it because it wasn't compulsory in the dieting plan Carlisle had drawn up.

'I'm here my angel.' I heard his murmur whilst he caressed my hand into his. 'I'm here.'

I struggled for a second trying to sit up but Edward adjusted me willingly. My eyes met his and we stared at each other, both hoping this to be an unreal segment within my life, perhaps this would all just be a dream. But Edward could not sleep and came to this realisation and stroked my cheek. I was breathless. His touch always made me feel so precious, so longing for him.

Esme brought a tray with an omelette on it. I saw the happiness of each of them and decided I would eat or they would be saddened. Edward assisted me with it and I was sure to eat everything, no matter how ill I felt. He sent words of encouragement on how well I was doing for eating. I began to pity myself with a surge of inner tears, I forbade myself to cry yet again in front of him, and I had to show him and everyone else that I was stronger than that.

'See, Bella love, I knew you could do it.' He said once I'd finished. He closed the window to stop the wisp drafts enter.

I nodded, the last of the food still swirling in my mouth. I thought I'd tuck some away under my tongue or behind my hind teeth. At least, I'd save myself digesting what ten calories?

I could tell from the intense look on his face that he was deep in thought. I had no idea what he was thinking but it worried me. I knew that asking him would just result in him lying, trying to protect me from whatever he was thinking.

'Esme's ever so happy.' Edward told me.

'Why?' I asked timidly.

'Because you ate, love.' He said simply.

'Are you happy Edward?'

I waited for his answer and I did not have to wait long for it seemed I had heard the same variation of the two sentences he put together too many times these past few weeks.

'Of course I'm happy, Bella, you're on the road to getting better. My beautiful Bella is becoming beyond beauty if it were ever possible.'

I smiled at him weakly. It symbolised how much grief I was getting. Alice and Rosalie had spent most of the day with me yesterday. But I couldn't enjoy my time with them because in my mind it would be disloyalty to the voice in my head. The one telling me to abandon all my friends and loved ones because nothing was more important than perfecting myself.

'I love it when you smile.' I heard him say.

'I love you.' I said.

'I love you.' He replied.

Those words always enlightened me but this time something had changed. At the back of my mind was a little part nibbling on telling me he had to tell me that because he knows that I'll just get worst and stop doing as he tells me,

Later that day when Rosalie, Emmett, Alice and Jasper returned from school they all bundled into the room that had been labelled my sanctuary since being hospitalised. They were energetic much to my joy. It was my moment of joy because most days I got no visitors apart from Alice from the group and when they did come they were awkward and didn't speak much.

'Tell her, Alice.' Jasper urged.

Jasper had Alice in his arms and his pale face looked slightly coloured. Like a blue tone. I then realised that he must still be finding it difficult being in the room with me but he was without a doubt doing a good job of hiding it and Alice smiled happily at Edward and then at me.

I looked confused. 'Tell me what?'

'Bella.' She began.

Edward interrupted 'Hmm. you're quite sure?'

'Of course I am. Can't you see it?' asked Alice in a mystical way.

Emmett I noticed was swinging his head from side to side trying to work out what exactly they were referring and Rosalie looked significantly bored. She didn't fool me I could tell she was interested in what Alice had seen from the look of impatience on her frown.

'I can. But it would only allow high hopes if told.' Sighed Edward. He looked at me as if I knew of what they were speaking about.

'I'm not wrong about this!' Alice said.

I was getting frustrated. 'Tell me!'

'You're going to get better Bella!' Alice gushed. 'I've seen it repeatedly in the future.'

I didn't know what to make of that. The future?

I only managed an 'Oh'. Everyone seemed disappointed in my reaction, apart from Alice who had obviously already foreseen it.

I thought about what had just happened. Was it really possible that I'd ever escape all of this? I wanted to believe it. I truly did. But even Alice's visions did not make me hopeful no matter that she had been right about everything apart from my becoming a vampire…

Alice smiled at me and awkwardly hugged me as she did not want to hurt me with her vampirism strength nor could she position herself right through all the equipment that was latched onto me but I hugged her back, letting out a deep sigh.

'Great isn't it little sis?' Emmett said. I liked the referral to me as his little sister.

'Wonderful.' I mumbled.

'Little Eddie here can hardly contain his joy, lighten up a little Edward! This is good news, you know?' Emmett continued.

'You're right about him not being able to contain his joy.' Jasper said smiling.

I saw Edward give Jasper a sharp look and then lifted a small smile but his eyes cut Emmett.

'I'd rather you keep your thoughts to yourself.' I heard Edward growl at Emmett.

'I'm sorry Edward, I just can't help it… after this morning and everything I keep replaying it in my head. I really am sorry by the way.' Emmett said.

Rosalie stood up from the armchair that she had graced across and glared wickedly at Edward, I didn't have to have Jasper's ability to know that tension was indefinitely rising.

'You don't need to apologise to him, how many decades has it been that we've had to live with him and he still insists on listening into our personal thoughts?' Rosalie said hoisting her arms around Emmett's muscular shoulders.

Jasper seemed to twitch at this, probably sensing an emotion he did not welcome and whispered in vampire tone to Alice who nodded her head.

'Be so kind to tell Bella what you just said.' Smirked Rosalie.

Edward's face up until that moment had been completely in my direction but it snapped around the moment Rosalie had dared utter a breath.

'I can't believe what an evil creature you have turned to be Rosalie, how devious you have become since I have found Bella. None of you know of the vile things she is capable of. You outwitted us all but now I truly know that you're just a complete selfish manipulative bitch, that needs to be herded with the wolves.' Edward sneered getting up to face Rosalie.

'You think we should all stand aside for you to have happiness. I am the only one who can see that you're the selfish one for not once considering us in your little plot to lure the human? The bounds you have broken are unforgivable but everyone seems so perfectly happy about it.' Shrieked Rosalie.

They were face to face now, the radiation of their coldness was passively pushing against each other and Edward so furious was bearing his teeth.

'Enough.' Jasper shouted. I could feel the ease in atmosphere as he worked his way to calm the room.

'Stop it, Jasper! I need to confront her, stop trying to send calming waves. Now!' Edward said as though he wanted to shout but couldn't find the vocals in his throat.

'Lay off Edward, she's right. Why'd you always have to listen in? You can control it, you just choose not to.' Said Emmett

'Bella.' Rosalie surprisingly whispered at me. 'Are you OK Bella?'

'Of course she's fine, leave her!' Edward snarled.

'She's right, Edward. Her heart is slowing down.' Alice whimpered.

Rosalie had been right; I could feel my heart tightening rapidly between my deoxygenated lungs, panicking for the slight breeze of air to reach them. 'No –' I began to choke. I attempted to grab onto Alice for help.

'Edward – do something!' I heard Esme scream behind the crowd of their heads.

'I'm – I'm OK.' I panted.

'Give me the paper bag, Alice.' Edward's panicked voice arose.

I felt the bag mould around my lips, my hyperventilating accelerating at that. Edwards cold hand pressed against the burning sensation across my forehead, he reached out to my side and elevated me a little to let the air get in easier. It didn't work I still struggled and I could feel my body convulse into a curling position.

'Get Carlisle! Phone him!' Edward shouted.

Jasper was intently looking at me obviously plying a way to make me able to breath. I did feel his swarm of relaxation waves but it wasn't enough. My eyes shut and everything was a blur… my sweet Edward moving away from me… Alice shaking violently… Emmett pulling her away, his hard face saddened… Esme rapidly shouting at the receiving end of the mobile… and yet again my Edward, losing his senses just as I did.

**A/N** – If I don't get twenty reviews at the least for this chapter, I'll actually die because I didn't think I'd come back to writing. So go on. Do it. Review.

I might be going to Liverpool during the holidays, possibly next week so if you don't hear from I'll be there. Not particularly fond of Liverpool. They all think us southerners are a bit up ourselves. They all speak funny and they think I'm the one who speaks funny. Last time I went someone asked 'if the Queen was home'. How the fuck am I supposed to know? Just because I speak properly doesn't mean I know Queen Elizabeth personally.

I'm sorry for the last A/N posting. I was bang out of order for writing all those things. Thank you for your support. So anyway, reviewers will get a special mention in the next chapter.

Song: How to save a life by The Fray.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

EPOV

I sat there, in grief and hatred for my own self. I hated what I had done to her. My dearest, Bella. I watched the UV drip mark itself into her wrists flowing with her hot scented blood. It fanged her, pained her, it disallowed her to make any movement and disrupted her dreams so much that she never spoke like she ordinary did.

Once Carlisle had returned he managed to resuscitate Bella from her panic attack. Her heart had weakened tremendously. All the nutrients that she had deprived herself of were catching up with her body. For once, I feared that these circumstances could mean the end of her life. I could not let that happen, I would let the devious demons in her brain control her.

Eating disorders. I had briefly studied them at medical school. It was never in much depth, it wasn't considered a serious illness. But now I understood that it was. The few bits of information I knew allowed me calculate that Bella was a serious case. She had lied to me to cover the tracks of Anorexia. She preferred death than enter the battle. Every inflicting piece of torture on her reflected back on to my disgustingly icy skin. Why her? If such a God existed, why Bella? She had not sinned to deserve it. Not like I had sinned. This was punishment for my wrong doings.

I wanted to be alone, in the company of Bella. My family had been banished from the house on Carisle's orders. Although much protesting was done, in particular by Alice, Carlisle had convinced them for a trip to Los Angeles for a week or so. This would give Bella some time to heal, or so Carlisle hoped. Without anyone else for Bella to try to bribe to be on her side, she was almost helpless. Carlisle and I would stay strong to certify Bella's survival.

Thinking back, I reminisced of the effect it had caused in the Cullen household once it had been decided that the majority would have to leave. It was not a memory that I wish to keep but it enabled me to see something I had not before. That Anorexia had got us all individually, it had warped us to devilish ways just as it did on Bella because my family suffered, most tremendously. They were ghosted even more so in their own bodies and frequently devastated by the smallest of things, their characters had begun to change right before my discerned eyes.

'I love her too, Edward!' Alice had shouted. I could detect the hate she felt for me when said it and it vibrated my entire system. Jasper was in a desperate bid to obstruct her away from me as she launched at me fiercely.

'Come on, Alice. It's for the best.' Rosalie had countered.

'And what would you know about the best, Rose? Huh? You know fuck all! She needs me. Bella needs me! She's as much as my sister then you'll ever be! So DON'T tell me about what you think is for the best.' She screamed, raggedly detaching herself from Jasper.

Rosalie looked as if she'd been slapped in the face quite literally. She did not respond at all, Emmett guided her away and he's face told me everything I needed to know. That he knew as much as I did. That our world was crashing down around us and if it were possible for a vampire to die mentally then we would all perish together.

'And you!' Alice said rounding up on me in a way I had never witnessed. 'You fucking idiotic fool, it's you who made this happen to her! It's you! You son of a fucking mongrel. You don't get it do you? Just change her! Change her now and it's all over. But you get some dirty kick out of seeing her like this, don't you? You're an evil bastard and if it wasn't for the fact that I love the shit out of you and Bella, then I wouldn't be taking any of this bollocks, I would of just killed you. You deserve death the way you're treating this, Edward Cullen!'

Her fumes were still ongoing in my head, cycling around in my preserved brain at the truth of it. My own inner devil was a match to Bella's for it had turned all of my loved ones to hate me.

Bella I noticed had wrapped her tubes around her wrist and was resting it above her head. At first it confused me why she wanted to be positioned in the agonising way. Carlisle explained that she was attempting to stop the supplements get inside her body by twisting the wires and slanting her arm so that the rush to her blood stream wouldn't be as intense.

I didn't know how Bella knew all the loopholes to this disease. I hated to think about it. Her hand had become just as cold as I was, turning into a tinge of blue. The discomfort did not stir her awake, for she was determined.

Carlisle was downstairs making a meal of wedges, chicken drumsticks and an assortment of vegetables. Of course this was all for Bella's benefit, we did not eat. If only it was as easy for Bella. I did not need to read her mind to understand that partly this was persuasion to turn her into one of us. She would be as good as dead if she were turned, she would live a cursed life. All I wanted was for her to be a healthy human. Right now, her persuading had done damage to my confidence. I lusted over the thought of her being free from this estranged illness and that I would be able to keep her for eternity.

My fingers twisted around her sullen arm. I touched it softly and put it to her side and she breathed heavily at this. I looked up at her to see if she had awoken but she hadn't. Relieved, I sat back down and ran my hands through my hair in distress.

In came Carlisle, the food on a tray. I read his thoughts. _We'll let her eat herself… yes, this way it will break her habit of being forced… we need her eating habits normal again._

I nodded to show I had eavesdropped in his mind. He placed the food on the table besides me. He put a comforting hand on my shoulder and squeezed. Carlisle was a father figure to me. To all of us - Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. And now Bella was an addition to it. I knew that Carlisle saw her as a daughter now and I knew Bella well enough to know she too saw Carlisle a father.

Lately I had thought that maybe Carlisle was getting exhausted of the situation. I had not dismissed his thoughts of changing Bella himself. I knew him though; he would never do anything of the sort. Especially behind my back.

Things were not quite getting better. Bella ate, oh yes she ate. But she did not speak. She refused to speak of _it_. The haunted disease that she was trying to recover from. When I whispered my words of affection to her she would not reply 'I love you' as she usually proposed in return. Her lips only ever moved when in contact with the food she despised so much. Her jaw only moved to chew and her teeth only seen when grinded from defeat.

Succumbed in my thoughts alone was where I had retreated for hours, just watching her grow in weight but lessen in human life at the same time was enough to deteriorate me from society altogether. I refused to bathe, hunt or change my clothes. Carlisle had insisted that I hunt at the least but I was determined that my thirst would not restrict my time with Bella. In the end Carlisle agreed that he would bring me blood back from his own hunting trips in hospital-disguised satchels as to not raise suspicion.

When it grew dark and Bella would go to take her nightly showers she would wear her swimsuit and I would monitor her. Some days she became so reckless that she would drastically fall from uneasiness and I would always be there to save her. She hated these sessions because she no longer had privacy nor did she want me act as a spy who had put her there in the first place. It was Carlisle who had suggested a nurse from the hospital to be present instead; I argued no but came to the decision that Carlisle would help her.

So much had changed. We were all so warped into misery that the only time I felt in the least bit gratified was when Bella was awake and her eyes, so bright brown although full of suffering and pain, would look into my own. They spoke to me like lyrical wisdom, reminding me of the agonising route she had taken just so that I could truly care for her. Because no, I never cared for Bella. If I had cared I would have allowed her to live her life without me from the very beginning.

She had slept for the majority of the day. Her food was getting cold. I knew Carlisle was awaiting her reawakening at any moment but she hadn't as yet. My eyes steadied at her heart monitor, abruptly thumping with jumping movements. The minutes ticked by and still no change in her heartbeat signalled to me that she was on the verge of awakening.

It was over an hour later that she showed the slightest intention of getting up. She thrashed around in her bed, at first I thought from the ache in her bones. It had long been a problem for her, she could only shower for sitting down in the solid bath hurt her from the pressure and the edging of her bones she had admitted to me one afternoon. I then realised from her sharp pants that she wasn't in physical pain but her mind had created a nightmare.

Her sweat glands were pulsating, I could feel them energise hurriedly at the fast tempo of her heart. She was panting more loudly now and I was sure that Carlisle would know she had woken by now. I whispered 'Bella' to find that her response was to jerk her body forward defensively. Her eyes flew open in shock to see my face nearing hers.

'Bella? You're alright now, I'll look after you.' I calmly said.

She looked dazed, unfocused, as if entering a trance. She seemed not to notify that I had said anything.

'Bella?' I raised my voice a little higher.

Still, she looked ahead, beyond my shoulder blades, her eyes unblinkingly watering into the distance. Neither did she move when I wiped the fresh tears away from ill swept face.

'Talk to me, Bella.' I pleaded to her, giving her little shake with the tips my fingers along the harrowing bend of her back to neck.

That's when she said those words.

'Kill me.'

At first it was uttered emotionless. A second time came with an unforgettable screech and a terrifying wild fire in the depths of her pupil. Her battle futile and conducting a severe fit of cries.

'Kill me.'

My beautiful Bella, begging me to end her distraught life. No, she did not live a life, she lived near death where she wanted to be. My still heart wanted to emerge into a collapse and bury it besides the grave of her own.

'I want to die. Kill me.'

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't sit here and allow this demon wreck her. I would rather be bound to her blood than her bones.

The moon over watching and the leaves dancing alongside it, I took an oath to its ceremonial tribe and in that moment of dereliction I lost all faith. That belief had bestowed beneath the oak trees long past the hilltops. And I alone was the only follower of the trace. Bella had lost halfway.

For I knew this was no longer Emerging Anorexia.

**A/N** – Review, lets see if we can get the reviewing up to 75, shall we? :)

Special thanks to the following people. Not only for their reviewing but for just being sincere and knowing there's more to it then just a story. It's real:

bite-me-im-irish, xrachel, rowdy2k7 and Suuz112.

Another thanks to people who reviewed the last chapter:

TeamEDWARDforLIFE2010, Laila Cullen, aprilflower, klutzxoxo, Lixy-Lee Cullen, Usamisje, lilsparkingauthor,

Song: My Skin by Natalie Merchant.

Truly beautiful song. I cried writing this chapter. Possibly because it kills me to know I'm not the only one who knows what this chapter really means.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N – This is happening at the same time period as chapter 12 and then a little after the events of chapter 12.

Chapter 13

JPOV

It was a cold day, even for us. The winds were gallivanting ferociously and the trees were colliding from the start of their fall to the end. The ground was somewhat harder, my grip to it emphasised with the weighing of my inhuman mass.

Around the living room was just Alice and I. It had been a week since our departure from our hometown. We ended up in a rented mansion across the bays of Los Angeles; it was highly grounded and securely shut away from the humans. It had been our intention to be so far from them, in everyone's emotional state it would be so easy to slip up. My Alice in particular was prone to it and it was unbearable, for every time I looked into her metallically ochre eyes they shone back with such intensity that any blood I would have had would be drained. Hunger, hurt and dismay. If I could choose but any words to describe her feeling there it was be and in our landscape above the obtrusive state we now lived in, they accelerated to the very maximum.

I cannot tell you of what that night felt like. It was different. We could all sense it. Like the Earth had simply stopped orbiting, the use of speech unheard and the petals of all roses in existence torn. It was deeply overwhelming in the most horrid ways because its strength was unbearably at its height.

I watched as Rosalie entered the room. She had changed in the past week. It was neither for better or worse. Her pales face had lost its illuminating beauty but had gained inner beauty with actual morality that she had never possessed before. I often thought that Rosalie was too arrogant to understand the wills and woes of human life. She had been so protective of her past and insisted that she preferred the existence of her vampirism then her weakness as a human. We all knew differently, if she could have anything it would to be human and I felt pangs of want minute by minute since the day I had known her. But now, she had changed; I did not feel that wanting emotion to live her life as a human, she felt remorse. And the remorse was for mankind.

Emmett saw the change in his wife. He was sunken into a depressive mode for the sake of Rosalie. He had tried to allow her some space and provide time for her to be alone with her thoughts. But no matter how hard he tried he did not seem to break through the barrier and Rosalie remained in her same critical manor, where she was practically a zombie. She cared for all us but one thing I was certain was that she cared for Bella. She had been in denial when Edward had first met her but I knew that she had grown to love her. Her character however, did not permit her to show this as obvious as some would.

Back home Alice would be doing something between skimming through a fashion magazine or sketching out her own designs. It was her pride and joy but now she lay there helplessly into the sofa, only recalling the emotion of sorrow because of Bella.

Bella. The prime reason for it all. The reason behind the disruption in our existence was down to the simplicity of this one human girl. The entire family doomed to misery because of her hurt and suffering. And we each felt to blame for it all; I knew this because of the sentiment that they all felt. We all had reasons to back up our theory's on Bella's illness.

Esme was briskly undergoing a cleaning frenzy in the house. She lifted my feet from the table and polished the spot I had leant on at least a dozen times. She was anticipating a phone call from Carlisle and had been for the past hour. He would call twice a day updating us all on Bella's condition and how he and Edward were getting along. Edward refused to speak to any of us. Carlisle had been careful in what he told us about him, only saying that there was no moment when Bella was alone. Esme would recite how we were all fine in a false shrill voice.

Edward had been Esme's first child. She was breaking down hearing of her son's torment and battling with himself endlessly. His refusal to speak to us did not aggravate her in the least instead it worried her. She would sometimes sob for hours although no tears were ever portrayed because of our inhumanity.

Edward's dismissal to us all had a different effect on each of us.

Rosalie seemed to expect this treatment and had stiffly nodded on the subject. Emmett had cowered how he had to speak and had bellowed down the phone to Carlisle and saying how selfish he was. Alice sympathised with Edward although she could not contain her anger but agreed that he was traumatised so understood his silence. I, on the other hand was shocked that he wanted to be so disconnected from us that I demanded that he speak or he would never be able to repair, but if it was his wish for us not to communicate with him than I had decided I would respect this decision.

Alice ran to the phone and a second later the phone rang. She had done this every time there was a phone call she would for see it and dart to the phone's aid before any of us could reach it. All four of us tuned into what Alice was about to say.

'Carlisle? Hello?'

'Alice.' Came Carlisle's tiresome voice from the other end. 'Afternoon. How are you all?'

Alice avoided this question completely. 'What's going on? Is Bella OK? Is Edward there?'

'Yes, Edward is here.' It had been an expected answer. 'Bella… she's doing fine, she just fell asleep this morning, she didn't sleep during the night at all. Her sleeping patterns have become most unusual.'

There was a pause where Alice visualised something and held out the phone to Esme. A second later Carlisle said 'Can I speak to your mother, please Alice? I hope your well.' It trailed on but was interrupted by Esme's chirps.

'Carlisle? Goodness, I though you'd forgotten us completely.'

'No, no, just busy with… some complications. I've had to clear up things at the hospital. I've told them I have some kind of viral infection and they shouldn't expect me for another month. And then there's Charlie… he wants to visit Bella. Bella had to talk to him and persuade him otherwise, although I do think he has every right to come…' Carlisle sighed.

'Yes, yes of course he does.' Esme said and then whispered the next line very gently. 'Every parent has a right to speak to their child.'

Carlisle put some thought into what he would say next. I could tell by his momentary stammer. 'I… I… Edward is a grown man now and he has been for some time, I can't… I can't force him to speak, he hardly speaks to me and as much as I worry, I know this the way he is dealing with things and I want him to deal with it.'

Alice, could no longer keep intact, I felt the rising frustration and sadness in her and I loyally walked with her at our vampire pace into the outside. We went far enough so that Esme's echoes could no longer be heard. She was trembling, not from cold but disparity. I coated my arm around her and she mournfully looked up at me.

'How could this happen, Jasper?' she whispered.

'My love, I do not know. We have to keep strong for Bella and Edward.' I told her.

'For Bella and Edward.' She repeated in agreement.

'I have every faith in them.' I pressed on.

Her voice sounded like a human suffocating at that, 'I just can't forget what I said to him. I love him so dearly yet I hurt him. I didn't mean it; I want him to know I didn't mean it. How could I do that to my own brother? Blame him for the treacherous illness that has Bella? What must anyone make of me?'

'Edward understands. He above anyone else knows what you're going through at this moment; he knows you didn't mean it. He would have been just the same if it were reverse.' I assured.

She let out a high pitch laugh. 'Edward? No, no, no he's way too collected to let it all out like that.'

'You see, you know each other so well.' I encouraged.

She smiled grimly. Her mind snapped elsewhere a fraction of a second later, her eyes completely focused and her body tensing and I knew she was experiencing a vision.

'Jasper.' She whispered.

'What is it? What is it you see?' it was a question I only asked when I could feel waves of panic.

'There's blood… blood everywhere… I can smell it, even here.'

'Blood?' I asked incredulously.

'All over… her blood, it's Bella blood… the white sheets, the floor… the…'

I froze. No, this couldn't be.

Her eyes turned and met mine to show that she was no longer foreseeing the future. The urgency in her body language outlined as she grabbed my hand.

'We have to go back! We can't stand here.' Alice urged.

I made no attempt to stop running until we reached the mansion. Esme looking fondly at the flowers. She saw us in the distance and waved but them by the immense fear on our faces, she stopped waving, she looked certain that she too would share our fear.

'Esme! We have to go back – we have to go home. NOW! There's no time to explain… you stay here… EMMETT!' Alice recited.

Emmett sped to the doorway in concern. 'What is it Alice? Is it Bella?'

A simple nod from myself confirmed it. Rosalie had appeared, fraying worried lines across her forehead.

'We have to go. Rosalie, stay here with Esme. Emmett you come with us, I don't know what will be coming exactly but if we need to maintain Edward away from Bella then you're our only hope…' Alice said and then responded to their questioning looks. 'There's Bella's blood in the room, lots of it, there's nobody around it's swiped all over the monitors and the scent is unmistakeable.'

We got into Emmett's jeep. Esme and Rosalie came with us for we could not leave them behind going out of their minds. Rosalie tried to contact Edward, Carlisle and Bella but they did not pick up the phone. It was impossible, they were all there we knew so because Carlisle had phoned just minutes ago. Emmett drove manically down the motorways, going too fast for the speeding meters to even take a glimpse of him.

'Come on, pick up! PICK UP!' Rosalie hurled desperately.

It was no use. An hour was spent, in panicked and aggressive arguments with the car.

'Alice, what else did you see?' Emmett asked.

'God damn it, Emmett! Just hurry up and get us there. Stop asking idiotic question and hurry up!' Alice answered, completely flustered.

'No, why don't you just be fucking _normal _for once, you like to think your abilities are just so great but look where its got us, huh? Absolutely fucking nowhere!' jeered Emmett.

'Oh and you're just so perfect? Don't think I didn't see your lame attempts on being a brother to Edward. That went _so_ well.' Alice said with a fake laugh.

'Hah!' Emmett snorted. 'We all know how Bella got into this mess anyway, she looks at her best mate and all she sees is _thin_ supernatural vampire girl. Maybe if you hadn't of been so possessive of her then this would of never of happened. Maybe if you'd just get a life instead of nosing in people's futures or just stop acting like this wonderful beauty then she would never have starved herself!'

I allowed Alice to grab at Emmett's head for what he had said was unforgettable.

'Ouch! Get off of me, Alice!'

'I'll teach you… scummy wanker… you piece of… stupid fucker.' Alice screeched.

Emse, Rosalie and I looked on, completely mesmerised how they could carry on in such a way, we did not intercede. Despite Emmett's many shouts.

'Jasper, get your crazy wife off of me!' I heard his muffled words flutter to me but my mind was elsewhere.

What if we were too late? What had happened to Bella? Had Edward possibly let go of the strain that he had fought so hard to build? I had always respected Edward's refrain and it had always been so strong. This was what made me think it was unlikely for him to have lashed out. But what other explanation was there?

'Rosalie, try calling again.' I said.

Rosalie nodded and put her head to her phone once more. Alice released Emmett and they both fell silent as we listened to the _bring bring _noises from the other end.

_Bring bring._

Nothing.

_Bring Bring._

Nothing again.

_Bring Bring._

Forks were quickly approaching and the signs to our manor indicated.

_Bring Bring._

'Hello?' said a small voice coming from the phone.

**A/N** – And that ladies and gentlemen was Jasper's point of view.

I find it very easy to write fanfiction on Twilight because of its lack of complexity. It has given me simpleton character's and hopefully I have expanded them. If I were to write for Harry Potter say then I would find a lot more difficulty to write for J. has already delved into the character's and I think it is that which has made her the richest author. I heard

somewhere that she earns £5 a second. That's amazing.

I saw not one, but two famous people yesterday and they both have the same name and are both musicians. I mean what are the chances? Johnny Borrell (who just so happens to be Emma Watson of Harry Potter ex… how freakily is everything linked in this A/N?) and Johnny Flynn (he's such a beautiful blond). You've got to love local shopping.

And because of this the songs are…

Travelling light by Johnny Flynn Feat. Laura Marling.

Golden touch by Razorlight.

Make love not war. Review!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

RPOV

'Bella?' I gasped. My fingers gripped onto the phone too hard and a groove moulded into the plastic case.

'R-Rosalie?' her voice stammered.

I detected the fright. Emmett swerved into our part of town. The Jeep's wheels skidding at an almighty pace.

'Bella! We're coming!' I said, Emmett parked up and we all dashed for the door, I put the phone down and Alice quickly jammed the key into the lock.

'Bella? Edward?' I frantically shrieked.

'Carlisle?' Esme shouted matching my own worry.

Alice had stationed herself upstairs and I heard the rattles of Jasper running across the landing alongside her. The house shook. Emmett was in the kitchen whacking the doors open of the rooms that were connected onto the kitchen. I meanwhile went to Carlisle's study with Esme. It was completely deserted. They had to be here somewhere and I was not wrong, Alice and Jasper had found something.

'Oh my word…' Jaspers southern American vocals trailed down the stairs. It sounded blood thirsted. Agonised. Tormented.

Esme and I stood still tuning into the next voice that was heard.

'Oh God, Bella, what's happened to you? … JASPER! NO! JASPER, GET BACK!'

The tumbles and screeches bounded down the staircase, Esme and I no longer hesitated. I sprinted up the stairs not allowing my hair strands to even sway from the intensity of the speed. My nostrils kicked into the scent of Bella's oozing human frame and the salty mixture of warm dripping blood. I traced it to the very room that had been Bella's solitary and Alice's shouts did not isolate my hearing completely, I could hear Bella breathing, I could hear her heart beating.

There, poised in a bleak curled up position in the very corner was Bella, her white nightgown stained from a bleeding wound beneath it. Her terrified composure unlacing a bare bony white leg and her eyes piercing shut. Jasper was grovelling on the floor and Alice attempting to pull him away with her tiny fists.

I latched on to him, helping Alice to pull back. Esme had flitted to Bella's side, soundly lifted her, while the tears etched down Bella's face. Esme grotesquely hissed at Jasper. My grip on Jasper now sturdier slammed him back onto the wall; my arm leant across his collarbone stapling him to the ground. Before I could shout for Emmett, he was already there and dragged Jasper away, out of the doorway and elsewhere.

'Bella?' Esme whispered weakly. 'Where's Edward and Carlisle, Bella?'

Unable to speak, we had to rest her onto the bed, we lifted her nightgown to where the thick blood was spilling out of her stomach, it was a slit, perfectly aligned that only someone with superhuman abilities or an expertise mass murderer would have been unable to accomplishes. I heard Alice draw a sharp breath of air before getting closer to it. Esme had found the bandages but seemed unable to approach any closer to her.

'Give it here, Esme.' Alice snapped. She hadn't meant it to be so harsh but the blood was becoming unbearable and Bella was growing increasingly uncomfortable.

Esme flung them at Alice and I handed Alice a bottle of antiseptic. Alice's fingers began to tremble as she dabbed the strong scented formula on cotton wool and treated the cut. Emmett was raging somewhere on the floor below and I tried to concentrate on his words but was completely lost, hopelessly thinking of how foolish I had been. The childish way that I, Rosalie Hale, had been so envious of this human girl that had stolen the dead heart of Edward. How I wished I could be as vulnerable as she but now looking into her eyes seeing the fear and fright, the pain she anguished, it came to me that I felt for her. I had grown to care for her.

These past weeks it reminded me of the days that I had endured pain as a human. Flash backs of my last moments with human life, the soaring pain shooting up my body as the man I had turned to love wrecked me before his very own eyes. Edward had mentally done this to Bella. I wanted to show her that I understood. No matter our differences, no matter my being absorbed into myself, I would be here for her. I would listen because I knew what it felt like to suffer in silence. Now as I looked on at her physical injury, I felt a human emotion that would have shocked even Jasper, I felt _sickened_. Sickened to the stomach that someone had done this to her. I was certain it was Edward; he being ashamed of what he had done could explain his sudden disappearance.

I watched Alice so tenderly dress the cut with bandaging. Bella's heart rate was calming down.

'Where are they, Bella?' Alice asked urgently.

Bella shook her head. 'I – I don't know. Carlisle t-took Edward away from m-me.'

'Why, Bella, why did Carlisle do that?' Alice questioned.

'Edward tried to help me.' Bella cried desperately 'He was going to end it all. We were going to end it t-together.' She let out another cry, the tears no longer being with held. 'You have to find him Alice – y-you have to f-find him.'

'Bella, where have they gone? Do you know?' Alice whispered immediately.

Again Bella shook her head. 'H-he had the m-matches.' She said in a wispy voice. 'He t-told me that our love was like no other and I had shown him that he too had a soul. And he had the m-matches and s-said we'd journey together. He would end my s-suffering he s-said. Only if I ended his.'

Matches? My mind whizzed. A vampire with the need of fire only meant one thing to me. Death. Or in Edward's case death on his own account. Suicide. Assisted suicide.

'Is that when he hurt you? Did he do this to you?' Alice prodded sceptically.

Bella shook her head once more. 'I don't know what I've done to him Alice. I think he I g-got into his head. He s-said we'd go to our m-meadow… and he took a knife from the draw and l-lifted me u-up. W-we were going to end it.' She sobbed harder. 'We were going to stop it, s-stop it all, he s-said that w-we'd do this t-together just… just as we had started.' She was bawling so much that she had to catch her breath.

'Then what, Bella?' Alice demanded. She shook Bella quite vigorously.

'Let go Alice, you're hurting her, come on.' I intercepted carefully.

I did not want to get on the wrong side of Alice; I had proof of this only the previous day. I had drearily stationed myself in the kitchen, deep in thought and only murmuring to myself. I do not know what words were breathed exactly but Alice made sure to make herself noticed and flared up saying I thought about nothing but myself.

'Rosalie, how much vainer can you get? If you get anymore bigheaded you'd explode. We're going through a crisis here and all you can do is make yourself the victim. Well, I've got news for you; you're not the victim here. I don't give a flying fuck if you drowned in your precious self-pity. Just get over yourself.'

I had not replied. Emmett on the other had defended me. He loved me so. But I could not function like I had before, Bella's illness had sparked a new light in me that was yet to fully emit light and was still uneasily flickering.

Turing back to Alice now, she looked even paler then possible, she was almost transparent from the extent of it and she took a step back as I took over.

'Bella?' I said gently. 'How did you end up like this?'

She opened her eyes noticing the change in addresser. She paused for a while showing that she was unsure of whether she should prevail.

'Carlisle, found us just as Edward was going to jump out the w-window and the knife slid and – and it c-cut me and C-Carlisle must have r-realised what we were going to do and he threw him t-to the ground… and then they were g-gone.'

The knife. A knife to cut up the solidified remains of a vampire from the effects of fiery flames. We all stood there. Silence overcame us. The story exposed. Emmett came ambling up the stairs. It was obvious by his wide eyes that he heard what Bella had to say. He put an arm around my waist as my own eyes widened in terror.

Things were bad. It was an understatement. A stupid one at that and I cursed myself internally. We offered Bella water for she looked famished. She refused. She cried that it'd make her gain weight.

'Don't be silly,' Alice said sharply, 'Water doesn't have any calories.'

It didn't matter to her even so. She did not want to survive, we had already established this and water was the element that kept human life sustained. No – any matter of life sustained.

'F-find Edward.' She trembled. 'FIND HIM!'

Jasper had cooled off from his rage and he, Emmett and Esme agreed to look for Edward and Carlisle. Not only for Bella's sake but our own. Esme looked mindless, I saw an almost pronounced stumble as she left despite it being impossible for things like that to occur in vampires. Her own son had tried to take his life with his love as his witness. Like us, he could not bare it all. Unlike us, his binding with Bella was so strong that he stayed true to his word that he'd give her anything – even death.

Alice was beginning to get aggressive, she was screaming. 'Bella! Just do it. I love you, Bella. Why? Can't you just drink the goddamn water? Drink it!'

'No.' Bella moaned. 'I'm sorry Alice. I can't do it… h-he promised me he wouldn't leave me again.' She sobbed.

'I can't take it anymore! I can't take it, I can't watch you waste your life away any longer!'

There and then I revisited a haunting part of my past that I had tried such a great deal to conceal, to forget and lock away in the dark corners of a cupboard. The dark silhouettes of my human eyesight flashed into my mentality, becoming even more so real. Dark silhouettes groping me, aggressively thrusting me to the muddy floors, whispering to me, shoving me, breaking my ribs, scarring the untouched flesh on my thighs. And I suppurated, crying for help, inhaling tobacco and leering unwashed clothes, begging for a stop but the agony did not stop, a knife to the throat, a kill to the spleen, a tear to the skin and the end of the sacred purity before me.

The very screams that had mustered from Bella were the ones I had once cried. The tears that had once escalated down the broken bones in my cheeks were reciprocated into that of Bella's skeletal bone structure.

I think Alice lost hope because she did not force her to drink, she slumped back, exhausted. And I could do nothing, for I knew more than anyone that at times like this you could not comfort the pained. Bella was beyond repair. She would never recover. No matter our attempts to help her. It would be the battle she finally lost and Edward had simply refused a victory.

**A/N** – Review please. That was Rosalie's point of view. I wanted to show that she isn't as bad as she's portrayed.

Songs – Paranoid Android by Radiohead/ Killing me softly by Fugees.

Also, what point of view do people want for the next chapter? Whichever character gets the most votes will have a chapter in their view. So pick now… Bella, Edward, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Charlie… who ever really.

I'm writing something else for Twilight so keep your eyes opened for it. Lots of love, peace and anti-global warming badges, Nem ;O xx.


	15. Chapter 15

Songs for this chapter –

The Scientist – Coldplay

9 crimes – Damien Rice

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Due to popular demand, here it is… CPOV.

Chapter 15

CPOV

The draught alongside the fog did not die down. It did not matter to me all the same, for I could see just as well when it's there as when it is not and I did not feel the cold breeze like any regularity. My only discomfort was the nature around me and the effect the weather had on it. Birds that would have flown gracefully were colliding and perching themselves on tree branches like hungered vultures, shops had been deserted with large banning posters with unwelcoming signs written in red marker 'CLOSED' and most significant of all everything seemed scarce and hidden.

For this one time it all came to my advantage, in the isolated treetops, I did not have to slyly beverage around, nor did my reluctant captivate. He was far from disturbance. I had taken him here into the forests and he lay there possessively in our natural habitat.

Though his eyes were deep black he did not stir and search for mammal, he lay on the grounds facing the skies and directly to it, he did not attempt an escape as I had expected. The grass met his scruffy hair and his hands determinedly faced palm down flat on the hard earth. Sounds broke away from him, words of love and deep sorrowful heartfelt. I dared not intercede. I had already interceded into this. The bones in his knuckles sharpened at this specific thought. I did not hasten. I know longer knew him as I had thought. Love had weakened his strength. Love had weakened mine. Edward.

Centuries I had dealt with suicide attempt victims, the families of those who had committed suicide. But none compared to this, his crazed soul was endangered and I had no way of helping him. What solution could I summon? What would I have done if Edward had not been my son? I asked myself.

I would have the pair separated. Despite that they could not live without each other, despite their struggles, it occurred to me that they could not live with each other. Either way I could not win. Either way they could not win.

Edward's ongoing murmurings only connected with her name. 'Bella' he would say and his eyes would flick further apart.

I had had no choice but to leave a bloodied Bella behind. The cut was reasonably small and the phone had rung just a moment earlier and it alerted me that Rosalie was the caller. I had specifically told them that I would ring if I needed them for anything and it was this that told me that Alice must have foreseen something on this matter and were heading back. This assured me that Bella would receive some aid from my family.

Another reason I had brought Edward here was simply because he could be himself, he could unleash his feelings without the shadow of Bella. He did not have to restrain himself, for who he really is, outside in the open, he could be the vampire he truly was.

I had no plan, this had gone beyond planning matters, what I wouldn't give to have this erased from our memories, I do no know. Esme had once expressed this same thought to me and I was too naïve of an ancient man to understand it completely. Now I did and I was sorry. Sorry that I felt this way. Sorry for the destruction and collapse of the family that I had sought to raise and nurture.

And here I was, watching my son lie beneath the huge oak trees, asking the above for only one thing, an end. He did not want this to go on. He could not go on. That was simple truth of it.

'Edward…' I whispered. I gently knelt about a metre away from him, hoping he would not see this as a mighty confrontation.

He did not move and he did not speak. I observed him and it appeared that he had not even registered that I had spoke. He hummed to himself, in an almost maniacal way, the tune unnerved me a little as I recognised it. Bella's lullaby. His mental state was still in remembrance, which was a slight good sign. It was not, as I had original thought, something his mind had magically manufactured out of the blue.

Medics had struggled with ways to help humans with their instabilities and their tendencies to grow depressed and think in demented ways. If no cure could be found for them, how much more complex was it for a vampire? There was nowhere for an escape because he was frozen in this nature, in the body of a seventeen year old boy meanwhile his brain had overtaken his mindset.

His hums went very melodic at a high point and then went solemn. He sat up gazing at the stars once more, after that he looked me straight in the eye, sincerity and concern swelling in my irises.

'I have to go to Bella.' He said formally.

'Not now, Edward,' I managed to say. In the must calm tone I could reach to.

He looked over his shoulder when he stood up, narrowly glancing at me like filth kneeling before him.

'You can't stop me.' He said very quietly. So quiet that it was closer to mouthing movement then actual words.

He jumped to the nearest rock, his back facing me from ten feet up, overlooking the world like a vulnerable creature as he coiled his posture.

'Edward,' I called out after him, 'I beg of you, talk to me, Edward.'

'What am I to say, Carlisle? You worry for me. I can see that, your mind swarms with worry. But do you not see that I have passed worry? I have gone beyond that, I'm willing to die with her as my witness so that I don't have to bare this hideous, treacherous inhumane life that I have led. If death is what she wants, I'll greet her with it, it is the first fixation she has requested for that I want as much as she.' He openly said in his straggled voice.

Twice now we have defied him suicide. Both for Bella's sake. He spoke of it so freely like it meant nothing to him. I was antagonised that he could feel so. So much Bella had said to him and nothing seemed to get through. If she ever demanded to visit the bathroom without assistance, he would refuse it like a high guarded wall. I had put so much pressure on him to stand strong for the sake of Bella but I had near enough pushed him to insanity.

'No,' he said, 'I know I'm crazy, Carlisle but you are not to blame. I am to blame for my soulless attempts at death. Tell me, Carlisle, how much do you love and care for Esme?'

I did not know how to answer his question, what did he want me to say?

What answer could I give; my slightest words could trigger anything –

'I maybe mad but I have reached the end of the scale of madness, you wouldn't be able to trigger anything even if you willed it. I have seen enough not to be able to go into this craziness any further.'

'I love her with my immortality,' I said. I would die for her I thought silently without meaning too.

'You see though you uphold just an ounce of my love for Bella, you would still die for her, would you not? So imagine now what death means to me? Another lifetime with my Bella and if I cease to go to hell at least I tried to be with her forever.' He whispered, now turning to face me.

Nothing was said and he turned back, running through the thicket. I too ran but I did not attempt to approach him, I offered him guidance and I listened to his story as he went.

'If I could travel at the speed of light, I would. If I could live again, I would. One thing I could never choose though I have fought with myself time and time again would be departing from Bella. If it were not for giving her life willingly to me, I would still be lost for direction and the only way I can repay her to the smallest extent is give her my death. Biblical means have put fourth oath of ''as we forgive those who trespass against us'' and it is my punishments that are devouring her, segments of myself latching onto her innocence.'

A scent very familiar entered my nasal passage and I was sure Edward had sensed it as he stopped in his tracks. My ears pricked to the sounds of a familiar voice.

'Carlisle! Edward?' Esme was crying out. My sweet loving wife, searching for us. 'I can him hear him, I can hear my dear Edward.'

'Keep looking there near, I'm getting their fragrant.' Emmett shouted from somewhere else in the woods. 'What is it, Jazz?'

'I can – I can _feel _Edward,' Jasper muttered.

'Wait! That's him, it's Edward!' Emmett said urgently.

Edward quickened his pace once more and flung himself into the arms of his hampering mother, Esme.

'Oh my dear, boy, Edward, I'm here for you son, I'm here.' She saw me in the distance but continued the embrace. 'Oh Edward, I love you so.'

Emmett let out a grunt. 'Carlisle,' he said in a low voice 'we've been out of our minds, what the hell were you playing at? We can home to see a bleeding Bella and you gone.'

I declined his question. 'Did Bella tell you about… about Edward?' I said.

Jasper nodded gravely. Emmett looked at Edward and then at me and then reciprocated Jasper's gesture.

'Everything.' Jasper whispered. He opened his mouth again as if he were about to say something and shut it again.

My attention turned back to Esme and Edward. Edward was racing down the forest speedily, ready to be returned to his Bella. I panicked; he was not ready for this. He could not be reunited with Bella as yet.

'No! We can't let him go to her,' I said.

Jasper was the first to understand this and any adrenaline that he might have had was emptied as he sped down the tracks Edward had taken. Emmett followed directly after. Edward being the fastest it was inevitable that he would reach there first, Esme took all the courage she had to turn in her own son against her own will and she reached for her phone.

Her eyes earnestly met mine and we both knew what was to be done. Running together her head bent to the mobile and jerked reluctantly.

'Hello, Rosalie? Edward's on his way back! You and Alice have to stop him. Do you understand me? Don't let him back in the house.' She cried temperately.

'I understand.' Rosalie replied and the line was cut.

'It's the only way.' I told her.

She looked mournfully onwards. This would be the beginning of the indoctrination of Edward. It was our only hope.

**

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**

A/N

– Review!

Dedicated to Rhianna, rest in peace, my girl, love you always. You'll always be my moon xxx.

Victims in Wales, peace is with you.

Yet again, I ask what point of view would you like next?

Thank you so much for your ongoing support. I will not be posting for some time so you'll have plenty of time to vote on the character point of view you'd like.

By the way, if you can't understand some of the things I've written feel free to ask me what it means… I spell 'realise' with an 's' for a reason - I'm English and in England we spell it like that... probably the same thing for the rest of the UK and Republic of Ireland (have ever mentioned I love the Irish before? Well I do) too. And apparently non-British people don't use the word 'whilst'… I'm like what?!

xxNem ;O


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

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Songs for this chapter –

Back to black – Amy Winehouse

These walls – Teddy Geiger

Votes had a tie between Alice and Bella POV. I really didn't know which one to do so I just done a combination. :) Hope you aren't disappointed. Thank you for everything – the story alerts, the reviews, the favourites.

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APOV

We had rounded Edward up at the door, it hadn't been long until Jasper and Emmett came along and dragged away against his own will. It was a difficult scene to look on, he had heard the cries and banging of Bella and raged ferociously, lurching at anything he could. Jasper looked sorry for what he had to do to Edward next, he did not want to remove him from his love but he had no choice. He trapped Edward to the feeling of clarity and serenity. Edward momentarily forgot why he was flinging himself into the house and gravelled at the floor like the lost soul he had now become but with some kind of inner calmness. My mind hurled as I watched him collapse to his knees listening to the piercing screams that belonged to the woman he so deeply loved.

I ran to his retreat beyond the fencing of our garden outside a small hut, which was something of a second garage with Rosalie's convertible snugly placed inside. I had only one thing that I wanted to do, I wanted to tell him I loved him and I'd forever be there for him but no words managed out when I saw the estranged derangement in the centre of blackened pupils within his wide eyes. Several times it appeared he was on the verge of saying something other than deep growling and promptly getting up but Emmett pushed him back down as to ensure he wouldn't run out in search for Bella.

From here I could hear Esme patiently trying to quieten Bella down but it only made her weep harder. Edward crazily swung his head in the same direction as the sound vibrations. He flinched again and Emmett was at the ready. Before he could get to his feet, Emmett swung at him with his arms and he tumbled backwards unto the thick grass. I crouched down, my fingers reaching to his face, just to feel the smoothness of it and show him some comfort.

'Edward,' I whispered, 'Oh, Edward, I care for you so, how could get yourself into this mess?' I pulled him for a hug and the stiffness he had once presented leaked out and he did not let go.

I let myself curl my arms around the centre of his back and he returned the gesture and from that moment I knew that he understood, that I wanted to be here for him and I felt his pain. My mind transferred elsewhere as a vision overcame me; I tried at first to block it out for Edward's sake. If it foretold any part of Bella's future it would unsettle him. Instead I saw the bleak Edward rampaging and his coal black eyes getting the better of him as he leapt towards a traveller's human blood.

'Emmett, Jasper, we're taking Edward hunting.' I told them.

They nodded. Emmett lowered himself down and whispered 'Come on, Edward.'

He bent Edward's arm limply over his shoulder and helped him to his feet. Jasper took the other side, Edward's body awkwardly positioned with the twisting of his head into the direction of the house.

Together, we'd get through this.

BPOV

'Bella, dear, calm down, it'll only make you more upset,' Esme desperately murmured at me.

Even with my thrashing around, it did not cause any difficulty for Carlisle placing of the wiring that ran through my nose. I was being force fed through these means but my tears were not for this reason. I wanted my Edward. I wanted him by my side. Why were they taking my Edward away from me?

I swept all the ornaments out the way from side table to make an eruption of bangs and crashing. Even over the loud clattering, I could hear the fight that Edward had stirred up outside, trying every way possible to get to me. They were hurting him, how could they do this to him? The punches and pushes they were subjecting him to made me cry out for him.

'EDWARD!' I shouted but Rosalie placed a cold hand over my mouth disallowing me to shout again, her eyes looking straight at me most menacing of all and the welling of newborn cries beseeched over the masking of her hand.

'Bella, can't you see that this - this won't make anything better?' she said in a beautiful voice that only reminded me of one that might belong to a guardian angel. 'I know, Bella, I know you need him here with you but can't you be strong for him? He's breaking down because he can't stand to see you dying. He's breaking down because he sees what you're going through and the same anguish is on him. Now see if you don't get better, he'll never heal, do this for him if you can't do it for yourself. Please, Bella, please.'

I listened to every word she said and it hurt me for the simple reason that I was to blame for Edward's pain when I had tried so hard to show him this was my own fault and not his. Every time they whacked him, the ground shook as he fell. Each time I would let out a panicked cry in turmoil and the oxygen mask was pronounced on me with the assistance from Carlisle.

Esme returned to the room a few moments as she left and ushered Carlisle and Rosalie to the side to inform them of something. I could not hear but I soon worked it out when I no longer hear Edward struggling or Emmett's booming voice.

'Where have they taken him?' I demanded, 'where've they taken Edward?'

My chest tightened again and Carlisle slipped the oxygen mask around me. They looked at one another whilst I caught my breath, my heart fiercely pounding worriedly. I breathed in and then out and reached out to my face and removed it, my voice was still suffocated even so from only being able to breath though my mouth due to my nostril passageway being filled with smeared food.

'Where is he? WHERE IS HE?'

'Alice, Jasper and Emmett, they've taken him hunting. You understand that don't you? He needs this.' Rosalie said soothingly.

I understood and I hated myself for whimpering about it. It exposed me as the selfish human I was.

Drowsiness overcame me, my eyes shut and my living nightmare turned into a dreamt nightmare.

APOV

Though Edward was well over one hundred years, he was now almost child-like because he seemed to have lost all his senses. We had to assist him with every little detail. Like the previous week he had resigned to refusal to speak to us. He did not take any stride as he hunted; he wasn't the mountain lion we had once known any longer. He did not run but stood there pondering, leading us to catch his prey for him. He looked frightened as he drained the elk of blood, his teeth hardly sunk in and his grip was loose. It baffled Emmett and Jasper on how he could be so thirsty yet he had managed to feed with no excitement or want.

I thought I knew his reasons but I was unsure because recently Edward had always shocked me with the reasons behind his thinking. To me it looked as though he was trying to relive what Bella was going through so that he could understand her or another idea that Carlisle had originally suggested. His belief was that he was so willing to die that he no longer wanted blood for that would guarantee his survival.

Trekking through the landing of Alaska, which was the destination we had found a thick forest for us to rest in the meanwhile. I preferred the outdoors because this way Edward could clear his mind away from the human hotels and cities filled with people where everything constantly reminded him of Bella.

His silence was most distressing. We did not attempt to make him talk but we trusted Jasper's gift to make him feel at least some amount of happiness. I wrapped up into Jasper's arms as we sat beneath an old oak tree, he kissed me and I lightly returned it. Emmett was with Edward somewhere to the east, keeping a silent watch over him so it gave me the opportunity to talk to Jasper.

'How are his emotions, Jasper? Don't try to downplay it, tell me the truth.' I said to him quietly.

He sighed and kissed me again, this time putting my emphasis on it so my question was answered wordlessly. He was giving me the slightest fragment of what Edward feeling through he cold lips. I felt guiltiness, loss and an ache in the pit of my stomach and the glands in my throat. It helped me understand why he never spoke to us for the feeling was so strong and insufferable that I broke the kiss and grabbed at the tree roots tugging them so hard that they tore from the Earth.

Jasper edgily pushed the tree to the ground gently. He washed away the emotion had just felt and for that I was thankful. I embraced him so very tightly, wanting us to be in a complete different universe. Never wanting to look up and face reality ever again and I knew that Jasper understood this and we swayed silently on the spot for what could have been a human lifetime.

Emmett came into the clearing, his muscular build helping Edward to walk along with him. His lifeless face glittered under the fazing sun that had now dawned. The purple shadows that had grimed across his face seemed to have swelled even more, with the prominent cut of his straight nose now beginning to blend with the look of bruising under his eyes. Emmett positioned Edward to lie on the ground in the shelter and he obeyed Emmett's ruling. He then came over to Jasper and I. Without a doubt we all knew what the subject of our confiding would be.

'I think we should take him back.' Emmett whispered subtly.

'No,' I said sternly, 'you heard what Carlisle said. We can't take him back. Besides… he needs this… we're here for him.'

'It's not us that he wants here for him.' Said Emmett simply. 'I… I think he'll just get worse, Alice, I think we should take him at least back so he can be near her if he can't be with her.'

I had not wanted to interfere with Bella's future as Edward had forbidden me many weeks before head. But nothing was going to stop me from looking into his. My eyes flashed and all four of us knew who's future I would look into. No one spoke as it riddled in front of me, utter silence was here and it was the same as the future before me…

BPOV

Life was not as I had expected as the next few days went by.

Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle were not as kind as they had been. They were vigorous to the point that if my dearest Edward had been here he would have attacked. They no longer stood for my moans and my shouts of resentment. They threatened to get me sectioned into hospital if I objected to anything. I was no longer allowed out for fresh air and was kept in the room everyday and all day. Another pointer I had realised was that I was never alone with any one of them, they came in pairs or all three together. This made me secretly think that I was stronger than them because they could not face me alone. On the other hand however, my unhappiness increased as I realised they were all turning against me. And why shouldn't they? After what I had done to my Edward, I should have been thrown out to the gutters.

That particular morning Rosalie came to open the curtains and laid out a new dress cloth to wear with Carlisle lurking in the corner and looking at me, searching for some sign of progress.

'Before you put the dress on Bella, we're going to weigh you.' Said Rosalie sounding very confident.

It was a blow to the head. I knew I had heard correctly and I knew that the day had been coming for while now. My mind had chanted that I would not look down at the rolling numbers on the scales but with actual confrontation the voice broke away and urged something else. Telling me to scream and scream and try everything within my power to stop me from entering an unworthy solitude. But something changed.

It was not a change that the voice would have chosen but it spoke to me clearer and louder than ever. _'Hold your tongue, be silent, and be still' _the words were repeated as I sat up in the bed and unbuttoned my clothing.

So there I was. Holding a silence.

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**A/N **- What'd you think?

There hasn't been an update in a while because my exams are right round the corner and when you've taken GCSE History you've as good as failed.

I bring you flowers in the pouring rain, living without you is driving me insane (8) I know… I know it's a really random, back in the day song but some guy played it passing the park today and it's in my head…

So yes, what point of view would you like next?

Review!

xxNem ;O


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